Get ready to have a nostalgia attack: a Sweet Valley High TV reboot may be in the works, with the news coming from Jessica Wakefield herself! "There is some talk right now, we're actually going to have some conversations with Francine [Pasqual]," Brittany Daniels revealed to E! News. And while, on paper, that may sound like thrilling news, here's a harsh reality check, '90s kids. Sweet Valley High is the most aggressively bad TV show I've ever seen. And this coming from someone who watched every episode of the short lived Baby-Sitters Club series.
Mind you, I'm slightly biased since I haven't seen Sweet Valley High up until today. I mean, yeah, I eventually caught up to the Wakefield twins' adventures with the Sweet Valley High books, but I was approximately three years old when the 1994 series hit. Even with my love of all things 1994, it's very clear that the series hasn't aged well, and even if we want to put that aside, it's an unavoidable melange of overacting and non-plots. In short, my mind is still reeling that people vouched for Full House and Boy Meets World spin-offs. Who requested this?
But lest you think I'm just being snobby, let me recap all the supreme awkwardness from Sweet Valley High, a show that, admittedly, I look forward to hate-watching in the near future.
1. We're introduced to the Wakefield twins, two beautiful, 45-year-old high schoolers that coincidentally are the only girls at school nominated for homecoming queen.
Elizabeth is the "good" but irredeemably boring twin, indicated by the saddest pink cardigan ever, whilst Jessica is the Satan-possessed twin, indicated by the Medusa up-do and veritable nine inches of stomach shown here.
2. Jessica gets all pissy because someone mistakes her for Elizabeth.
And then the girl gets all huffy and says, "SORRY, you look so much ALIKE," but it's her fault for not knowing the twins have their own trademark styles (see: nine inches of stomach).
3. Todd Wilkins shows up, 35 percent neck and rocking stalker eyes.
4. “Man, I can’t believe Liz broke up with me over such a little thing, I just nominated her for homecoming queen!”
Wow, what an a**hole.
5. Oh, OK, Elizabeth explains that she was feeling smothered by Todd, and Enid's like, "I wouldn't mind being smothered by Todd."
Nothing makes me want to get back into a relationship more than my best friend saying she wants to boink my ex.
6. "His name is Scott Daniels, and check this out, he’s a freshman in college."
Then why on God's green Earth is he at a sophomore high school homecoming dance?! What negligent chaperone allowed that?
7. Elizabeth and Winston end up winning homecoming king and queen, and then they do some dance moves that are probably illegal in every state.
I don't know if it helped to made Todd jealous, but it definitely succeeded in making me uncomfortable.
8. And THEN Elizabeth ends up dancing with College Scott, and Jessica's all, "She gets homecoming queen, AND a hunk?"
Her midriff twitches with rage.
9. Aspiring journalist waxes poetically about her feelings in her diary(?)
Or like, some Windows 95 variant of Notepad that only uses 24 point font.
10. The school newspaper publishes gossip about Elizabeth and Todd breaking up.
It was front page on Who Gives a S*** Daily.
11. Enid wants to publish a personal ad that goes: "Shy, sensitive girl, looking for Mr. Right. Have car, will relocate."
12. Jessica decides to intercept Elizabeth's date with Scott because she's pure evil in a "perfect size 6" dress and OH MY GOD IS THAT THE SAD CARDIGAN?
Damn, girl, he'll never guess that it's you!
13. "Elizabeth, you're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Dude, you're 16 years old, there isn't a lot of competition on the list of "best things to ever happen to me."
14. Then Jessica and Todd reenact every college-frat-guy-seducing-resilient-high-schooler scene ever.
I remember seeing this is Heathers, which is enough to tell you I have never personally experienced it.
15. Finally Jessica asks for forgiveness like, "I know I'm the literal worst, but I stole your date for your benefit, and now you're back with Scott, and that totally justifies my being a mischievous she-demon who backstabs my sister for the sexual thrill."
And Elizabeth's like, "yeah, no, you right, hugs and kisses."
16. Just kidding though, because apparently Elizabeth has been writing the gossip column and she gets revenge on Jessica by making the students mistake her for... her... or something.
The important thing is that she does it by giving Jessica the cardigan of sorrows. Haaaaaa.
Images: Disney/ABC/YouTube (17)