At this very moment, I can hardly catch my breath. Instead of blaming my exhaustion on an overzealous workout, though, I'll have to pin it on the fact that I voluntarily plunged down the black hole that contains every single one of Christina Aguilera's music videos. Guys, trust me when I say I'm going to need a nap and a glass of wine after this spectacular visual journey. I’d be less of a writer (and an Xtina fan) if I didn’t admit that I’d totally forgotten about some of her videos, especially the earlier ones before she’d introduced us to Xtina (aka, back when her wardrobe consisted solely of wearing crop tops and hip-huggers).
Luckily, through the power of the Interwebz, I’ve fully reacquainted myself with all of Xtina’s music videos — including the good, the bad, the stylistically-challenged, and the ugly. Fortunately, there weren’t too many encounters with the latter, but I did encounter my fair share of confusing visuals (some were even boring — can you believe that?) and a ton of taped live performances that made me yearn for an actual music video. More on that later…
But for now, let's take a look at a definitive ranking of all 25 of Christina Aguilera’s music videos and try not to lose our grips on gravity:
25. "Falsas Esperanzas"
I love you Xtina, but there's a problem — this so-called video is clearly just a taped performance and not even one of your best, at that. Tsk, tsk.
24. "Pero Me Acuerdo De Tí"
The title of this beautiful ballad translates to "But I remember you," which isn't the case when it comes to my recollection of this video... and that happens to be a good thing. Overall, it was pretty sad, and styling Aguilera in that purple dress and overly messy bedhead style just didn't help.
This single was from the Mulan soundtrack, plus Aguilera was a newcomer, so I'll give this video a pass for not being very interesting (apart from the movie clips, of course).
22. "So Emotional"
If you're into exploring the inside of a recording studio or counting the number of times Aguilera blinks while she sings, this is definitely the video for you. Needless to say, it's far from her best, and those amazing leather pants she's wearing are the only reason it's not ranked dead last.
21. "The Voice Within"
For most of this video, Aguilera sings in what appears to be an abandoned warehouse. Then when the song reaches its peak, she runs outside and winds up lying on an illuminated white block...that just so happens to be situated in the middle of a sidewalk. It's not an impressive video, but it sure is confusing.
20. "Something's Got A Hold On Me"
In this video from her film Burlesque, Aguilera takes time out from closing up shop at a dusty bar to do a one-woman performance. I was waiting for her to make an imaginary transformation into a more glamorous version of herself as a reference to the movie — but unfortunately it never happened. Yawn.
19. "Christmas Time"
I'm seriously digging Aguilera's red bell-bottom holiday getup here — oh, and the Lil' Bow Wow cameo was hilarious! That totally caught me off guard. Since holiday-themed videos tend to be on the corny side, I'll accept this video for what it is — especially because it's more interesting than several of the ones ranked below it.
18. "I Turn To You"
The "I Turn to You" video was pretty unimaginative, but it ranks above the other videos because it at least attempted to incorporate some sort of storyline.
17. "You Lost Me"
Aguilera gets props for her dramatic performance, not to mention the fact that she looks absolutely angelic in this video. Also, the scenes of her wrestling with a faceless man are really touching. But, in the end, there isn't enough action to justify giving it a higher ranking.
16. "Your Body"
This was a fun, colorful video, but not the most conceptually original visual we've seen from Aguilera.
15. "Oh Mother"
This was such a dynamic performance, especially with the photos of Aguilera's mother in the background. But, once again, the song could've really benefited from having an actual music video.
14. "Come On Over (All I Want is You)"
I didn’t mind this video so much because she switched up the hair color and it still managed to keep my attention. The only reason it's not ranked higher is because it's pretty much the epitome of plenty of '00s pop music video cheesiness — from the intricate belly glitter to the hoards of background dancers.
13. "I'm A Good Girl"
This video was fairly entertaining, and Aguilera definitely put on a show by dancing on bars and teasing the crowd. I consider this one of her better video performances.
12. "Keeps Gettin' Better"
Aguilera did a great job of commanding attention (and multiple versions of herself) in the video. It's definitely not her typical brand of sexy, but it works.
11. "At Last"
Just shy of making the top 10 is an awesome live Christina Aguilera performance, which receives all the YAAAAS from me.
10. "Not Myself Tonight"
I'm impartial to Xtina's Bionic era, but I have nothing but love for this stunning visual ode to Madonna.
9. "Genie In A Bottle"
Because absolutely no one knew they needed the genie dance in their lives until this video premiered.
This video was actually pretty scary, and totally left field compared to what I'm used to seeing from Xtina — but it showed versatility and I can never tear myself away from the screen whenever I watch it.
7. "Can’t Hold Us Down"
The Lil' Kim cameo and the whole "girl power" theme were the saving grace for this video. The awful wardrobe and the busy street scenes were a bit distracting for my taste, but it's definitely not the worst Xtina video.
I loved everything about this video, from the throwback choreography, to the eye candy, to Xtina's sexy wardrobe.
5. "Ain't No Other Man"
Watching this video without smiling and dancing is impossible, and neither is giving it a ranking any lower than the top 10.
Due to the nature of the song, this video is kind of a bummer — but Xtina's stellar acting earned it a well-deserved spot near the top of the list.
3. "What a Girl Wants"
I have no shame in ranking this video near the top because of the choreography alone.
Never has an alter ego made as huge a splash as Xtina, and I love her for it.
What else can I say about this video other than the fact that it was amazing? It was wonderful in every single way, and promoted an awesome message about self-acceptance.