Disney Princesses may not be particularly skilled in resisting the temptation to break into song or keeping their parents alive, but one thing they are beast at is handling Disney fuckboys. Yeah, you read that right. "No, the last shred of my childhood!" you may protest, but you know what? Pull the wool off your eyes, y'all. It's time we owned up to the fact that Disney movies were pretty much a fuckboy breeding ground. Fuckboytopia, if you will. Don't blame yourself—you were probably just as unsuspecting about fuckboys in Disney movies as you were about fuckboys in the real world, bless your heart. Bless all of our hearts.
Before you try to glitter glue my mouth shut, consider the definition of a fuckboy, brought to us by Urban Dictionary:
A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.
Starting to sound...familiar yet? Look past the thinly-veiled suggestion of animated abs and the voluminous hair, ladies, because it's time to get learnt about your faves. Stop letting these beautiful ballads with emotionally manipulative key changes shroud your judgment. It's time to face the real music. Here is the definitive ranking of the fuckboys of Disney, ranked from least to most fuckboy-esque:
17. Prince Charming
Arguably the Original Fuckboy, Prince Charming's ability to read social cues is about as impressive as his ability to outrun a woman in glass slippers. (Read: Poor.) Nothing you say to defend him will change the fact that this guy invited the literal entire kingdom to his crib in an effort to get laid. And like most fuckboys, he doesn't even need to know a girl's name to declare his ~undying love~, and yet he'll wake up the next morning so slizzard that he can't even remember her face.
That feather duster girlfriend of his is the weariest fuckboy sufferer of this entire Disney franchise. Plus, you just know he's getting forking half the cutlery on the side. Literally the first thing he does when he gets back into his original fuckboy form is fuckboy away:
Like, what does Lumiere even do in the mansion as a human? All signs point to Professional Fuckboy.
15. Prince Eric
"Oh, look, a mute, naked hot girl. Instead of making any logical attempts to communicate with her through gestures or writing or getting in touch with anyone who might be looking for this legal minor, I'll awkwardly flirt up on her until I'm bored, and then go marry the next hot piece of ass who comes my way."
That fuckboy deserved to marry Ursula and have her tentacle babies, IMHO.
What fuckboy hasn't tried to snag a gal by lying about...well, everything? Turns out all you gotta do is manipulate your one and only friend into giving you what you want, prey on a girl's deep-seated desperation for freedom, and SHAZAM, you're in a ~whole new world~ ... of fuckboys, that is.
13. John Smith
John Smith thinks he is a Super Special Snowflake, which doesn't change the fact that he came to pillage somebody else's land and flirt all up on their 12-year-old daughter. This is some grade A, beyond-the-grave fuckboying, because even after all that, he got to be heralded as a schmexy blonde scoundrel in animated form, where he will be immortalized in the eyes of innocent '90s babies forever.
Experiment 626 might as well have been renamed Experiment Fuckboy. Yes, he was bred to create chaos, but he wasn't bred to be the biggest cockblock Nani could ever deal with re: surf-banging David, and that's not even counting all the other shit he needlessly put them through. Sure, he reformed himself—after tearing the house of two orphaned sisters apart at the seams, that is. Typical fuckboy.
11. Prince Naveen
The "sad little rich kid" variety of fuckboy is the most glaringly obvious breed—so obvious, in fact, that Tiana recognized it even in frog form. In case you need a recap, Mommy and Daddy cut him off, so he tried to find the most bangable rich girl in New Orleans to keep up his very important ~fuckboy lifestyle~. Props to Tiana for un-fuckboying him.
"Ugh, thanks for the sexy jungle romp, Nala, but I'm not really feeling ruling this kingdom RN even though everything's gone to shit." Typical fuckboy—he'll "feel the love tonight," but in the light of day, he'll Hakuna Matata the bejeezus out of anyone who wants something from him. Yes, he lioned up eventually, but not until after an ass load of whining about it.
Why bother defending myself on this? I'll let Tigger to the talking:
- "Once in awhile something amazing comes along...and here I am."
- "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers is that I'm the only one."
- "Well, I gotta go now. I've got a lotta bouncin' to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! T-T-F-N: ta-ta for now!"
Classic fuckboy exit if there ever were one.
8. TIE: Belle's dad and Jasmine's dad
I've said it once, and I'll say it again: There literally wouldn't be movies for these princesses if their fuckboy dads hadn't been so hell-bent on fulfilling their fuckboy needs, which inevitably got their daughters kidnapped and dealing with various degrees of Stockholm Syndrome and hypnotism. Those movies should have been retitled My Dad Is A Fuckboy and No Way, My Dad Is A Fuckboy Two! (Get it? The pun? ... I'M FUNNY, DAMMIT.)
You know what? No. I change my theory. Belle's dad is Jasmine's dad, reincarnated through the fuckboy space-time continuum. These bitches are proof that there IS NO ESCAPING FUCKBOYS in perpetuity.
7. Flynn Rider
Anybody who has ever used the phrase "Here comes the smolder" is an automatic fuckboy, no questions asked. Before he meets Rapunzel, he basically lives his life like a one-man fuckboy parade. Thank god Rapunzel had magic fuckboy curing tears, or he'd probably have probably smoldered his way into a dozen illegitimate children by now.
Kuzko is such a fuckboy that he transcends fuckboys. Like, he should probably be way higher up on this list, but for some reason we can't help but love his fuckboy nature—which is really a sad testament to how fuckboys manage get under our skin in the first place. Dammit, Kuzko. You threw off my groove.
Buying someone's soul and enslaving them for eternity is the most fuckboy move of all time. Plus, come on: "Lord of the underworld"? Sounds like a fancy way of saying you live in your parents' basement, if you ask me. The only fuckboy in this movie who fuckboyed harder than Hades is the guy Meg sold her soul to save, who, if you recall, came back to life and dumped her ass. So much fuckboying, so little time!
4. Peter Pan
He is LITERALLY climbing into your windows and SNATCHIN YOUR PEOPLE UP. "He's just a kid!" you're saying, probably in some effort to stop me from shitting on your fave. To that, I say: Yeah. An immortal kid who, despite however many hundreds of years of existence, refuses to grow up. Just like very fuckboy who ever fuckboyed. And there is no recovering for this dude, who not only snatched up Wendy to take care of his sorry ass and his entire squad's, but then dumped her for a newer model—her DAUGHTER, no less—just as soon as she wised up to his fuckboy ways.
3. Stefan from Maleficent
Living proof that you can fuckboy your way to the middle, but you can never fuckboy your way to the top. (Especially not if you fuckboyed with Angeline Fucking Jolie.)
I'm just going to let the gifs do the talking. There is nothing I can really add to this conversation that Gaston hasn't already said himself.
And now, my friends, a drumroll please. This is what you've all been waiting for. The final fuckboy on my list is...
Aw, Hans. You may never be the King of Arendelle, but at least you'll still be King of the Fuckboys until the day you draw your last fuckboy breath. In the meantime, we'll deal with you the way we deal with all fuckboys:
Images: Disney; Giphy(18)