I don't care what you're celebrating today. Is it your birthday*? Go shove it. Your 50th anniversary? Suck a popsicle stick, grandpa. Whatever you are concerning yourself with on this fine July day officially doesn't matter thanks to Chocolate Day, which, yes, is happening right now. If you're not double fisting a Twix and a Snickers right now, y'all need to get on my level, because this day comes but once a year and I am not going to squander it by typing with my actual fingers. In fact, I'm going to spend it doing my duty to this country: Collecting a bunch of chocolate gifs that will awaken you sexually.
Listen here and listen well, internet. I don't care how long you've been having sex, or how good you are at it, or if you even once slept with Chris Pratt (or someone who looked a hell of a lot like him and let you call him Chris). The truth is, no matter your breadth of experience, you don't fully know yourself sexually until you let chocolate know you. Become one with these gifs. Soak in the dripping melted chocolate. Bathe in the rich cocoa volcanoes. Then take all that beautiful, otherworldly passion to your lover/loneliness pillow (and be sure to name any babies you accidentally create after me, because after all, I am basically its god for doing this to you in the first place).
*To my dad, whose birthday actually is today: Loooveee youuuu!!!! Sorry that this post is Reason #1,573 I am a Deep Shame To This Family!!!!!!
Without any further ado, the chocolate gifs that will awaken you sexually:
These hazelnuts? They're not afraid of getting ~dirty~
And this strawberry is more than ready to...double dip ;)
This cookie is positively oozing with delight
These pancakes want you to drop it like it's hot
... And this milkshake wants to stir you up real cold
This little thing ain't nothing but a cake-tease
And these cream puffs are about to cream themselves
This pie just wants to fill up all your crevices
This banana ... truly needs no caption
You like that, bb? You like it like this?
This hot chocolate fills you up right to the edge...
...YES! YES! YES!
Wow. That was...quite a journey we all just took together. If you're in public, I'm so sorry. Here. Take this last gif and walk it off:
That oughta do it. Happy Chocolate Day, everyone. See you next year.