Westeros is lousy with wannabe kings. From Stannis to Joffrey, it seems almost every man in Game of Thrones ' Seven Kingdoms has gone after the title since Robert's death (and they've pretty much all died trying). Dany is the only woman making a serious play for the Iron Throne, as even though Cersei and Margaery both love the power that comes from being queen, neither is after the Throne, just the title and ability to manipulate the man sitting on it. Meanwhile, at Litchfield prison, the women of Orange Is the New Black are always engaged in power struggles of their own. They fight for influence, for their rights, and for control over the various factions of inmates. It's a cutthroat world, and Red, Piper, and the other inmates are always looking to make a play for the top position. But what if it was the Iron Throne they were vying for, instead of a job in the kitchen or the top spot in the smelly prison underwear smuggling program?
Just as there were five kings and dark horse Dany who rose up after Robert died, I think six OITNB women in particular would make a serious play for the Throne. Meet your queens and their allies below. Remember, only one can rule the Seven Kingdoms (or Litchfield), and as the saying goes, when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
Potential Queen #1: Piper
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Piper is a survivor. She came into the prison terrified and clueless, but it didn't take her long to learn how to play the game. She can be downright scary when she needs to be and ruthless in her quest to maintain power. At the same time, she is willing to fight for the people in order to affect change, and she learns from her mistakes. Cross Piper and you will never see what she has coming for you until it's too late.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: Alex would stand by Piper — to a point. As an adviser, Alex would be the perfect voice of reason to counter out Piper's wilder ideas. Alex is also well liked, which could bring support to Piper's cause.
What Would Bring Her Down: Her selfishness. Piper looks after herself first and foremost. She has proven she is willing to build success off the backs of those who are less fortunate than her. That kind of behavior does not lend itself well to loyalty.
Potential Queen #2: Vee
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Vee inspires loyalty in the people she surrounds herself with. She gives the impression that she cares about her subjects, and she has plenty of experience as a leader. With Vee as the ruler of Westeros, no one would dare destabilize the power structure because they would know they would get smacked down with such force they would never get up again.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: Suzanne would give her life for Vee, but Vee would want Taystee at her side. Taystee's genuine kindness would create the illusion that Vee was a caring and benevolent queen.
What Would Bring Her Down: Trying to fly too high. Vee could never get enough power, and eventually her people would revolt when they realized they were nothing but cannon fodder to her. Also, she's dead.
Potential Queen #3: Flaca
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Flaca actually cares about improving herself and the lives of those around her. She's ambitious, full of ideas, and incredibly likable.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: Maritza may not have a strong track record when it comes to making power plays (she would much rather have a good time), but Flaca could never look to anyone but her bestie for help. (Gloria would be a way better choice, though.)
What Would Bring Her Down: While people like Flaca, she would not be taken seriously. Like Renly, she would be popular, but unwilling to make the hard choices a queen must make. Her campaign would be squashed before it could truly begin.
Potential Queen #4: Natalie
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Cold and calculating, Natalie has been playing the game for a long time. People don't like her, but they respect that she understands the ins and outs of being in control. Natalie is always thinking in the long term, and is willing to make political partnerships she doesn't like to keep her kingdom thriving. She is also keenly aware that everyone is after her position.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: Despite reluctance from both sides, Caputo would be her chief adviser and the person most likely to stab her in the back. This uneasy relationship would be widely speculated about throughout the Seven Kingdoms.
What Would Bring Her Down: Natalie would dip her hands in the prison funds too much, leading for an upstart like Piper (with an assist from Caputo) to call for her head.
Potential Queen #5: Red
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Red is good to her people and she rewards loyalty handsomely. As long as her subjects work hard and show her respect, they will have everything they need. She is mother, protector, and as fierce as a lion. Red cannot be broken. She has lost power and climbed her way back to the top each time. Most importantly, her subjects would never go hungry on her watch.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: The silent Norma would be Red's right hand, but she would also be grooming Nicky for the role, even as her surrogate daughter fought against the notion of holding so much power.
What Would Bring Her Down: Pride is Red's most dangerous quality. Her pride caused her to lose her position and her people before, and it could always happen again.
Potential Queen #6: Chang
Why She Would Make A Good Queen: Like Dany, Chang would come out of nowhere to become the most viable candidate. She has a background leading people and she will have a man gutted without flinching. She is also quiet and well-liked. A controller of resources, people value Chang because she keeps to herself, but provides them with what they need. Without even campaigning, she ended up representing both the older women and "the others." Chang would be a mysterious, but competent leader.
Who Her Right Hand Would Be: No one. Chang would give a select group of people enough power to be her voice on the ground, but not so much that any single person could overthrow her.
What Would Bring Her Down: Disinterest. Chang could easily be elected for the role, but she would not want to give up her own freedom.
And The Litchfield Queen Of Westeros Is...
Forget the Lannisters and the Baratheons, no one is a resilient as Red. She would sit on the Iron Throne and rule with strength, a true sense of justice, and wisdom. She would bring men to their knees with a glare, and stock her counsel with women she trusted and loved. Best of all, no one would ever go hungry again.
Now, how about an OITNB/GoT crossover? TV Gods, please make this happen.
Images: JoJo Whilden/Netflix; Giphy (4); orangeskins/Tumblr
