Hot off the heels of National Ice Cream Day, clearly the Internet serves up today's official holiday: National Hand Job Day. So...happy National Hand Job Day, world! Tenga, a Japanese masturbation toy company, deemed July 21 such due to fairly complicated math reasons. The numbers refer more to masturbation than digital sex. (Remember that from sex ed in ninth grade? This is probably the first you've heard it since then. You're welcome.) But whatever. May was already Masturbation Month, but we're in July now, so let's move on to the HJ circuit, right? Right.
With National Hand Job Day, unlike most holidays, the best part couldn't possibly be celebrating. At least I doubt that. Hand jobs seem like a sex act never done much after their first mention in ninth grade. Am I wrong here? I mean, I respect and support fondling, groping, etc., as forms of foreplay, but how often does the finishing part happen after teen years? Anyway. National Hand Job Day's finest component is its mascot, Tengaman. He's a warrior person in red armor who shoots through the sky! Metaphor? I'll let you decide on that. Anyway, Tengaman is inspiring and all but he doesn't exactly make me feel like masturbating or proposing a hand job...
Well, masturbating is different for everyone. I guess. Most of all, I'm just happy I don't uncontrollably shout when I do it. Anyway.
It's not like National Hand Job Day is the ceiling on specific sex-related holidays. That would be such a waste of days spent being normal and boring and all that trash. No, thank you. Let's review some other sex holidays we really ought to start celebrating:
National Shower Together Day, January 13
I like National Shower Together Day for the environmental perks (saving water) and convenience (getting a partner to help shave your neck—hi, sorry all exes of mine). However, when will we understand as a society shower sex sucks? Oy vey.
International Fetish Day, January 15
Although it appears the IFD date varies by year, the next one in 2016 falls on January 15. It's a killer holiday that invites one and all to get their freak on — whatever that freak may be. Three cheers for inclusive, sexy holidays like this one.
Steak And Blow Job Day, March 14
Like straight dudes didn't already have enough power, a sad bunch of them launched this holiday which is pretty straight forward. As a vegetarian who doesn't like be told what to do (especially when it comes to genitalia in the mouth area), join me in boycotting next year and every year after. It's vaguely related to benefitting breast cancer (??), but trust there are better ways to give to that cause and raise awareness.
Cake And Cunnilingus Day, April 14
Cake And Cunnilingus Day marks a clear response to Steak And Blow Job Day, and as a fan both cake and cunnilingus, I'm tempted to be all about this holiday. However, like all sex things, I can't jive unless it's an enthusiastic consent thing. No charitable component facade here, though, sadly.
National Anal Sex Day, April 18
Don't worry — this one doesn't appear to be totally legit. It's more based off a joke some chauvinistic comedian dude named Jim Jefferies invented. OK! Have anal sex whatever day you want, bbs.
National Lingerie Day, April 24
Some speculate proper NLD celebration entails reexamining items you already own to see if they still works. Other suggest just rocking something extra frilly, lacy, or otherwise scandalous. It's meant to be empowering. Cosign on this one, for sure.
Both Pleasure Day, June 9
So, this holiday truly celebrates the worst sex position ever. (It's 6/9, in case that escaped your notice.)
No Panty Day, June 22
A holiday that invites you to go forth—commando. Breezy!
Go Topless Day, August 23
You know, a lot of these aren't explicitly sexual, dealing more with nudity than actual sex acts. But that's fine, like...why not? Here's a holiday that suggests you ditch a top and just chill about like that.
Sex Toy Day, November 4
A relative newcomer to the sex holiday game, Sex Toy Day is only about five years old. This one rules as it may be observed solo, with a partner, or lots of partners. I don't know your life but I do know life in general usually rocks harder with a good vibrator. I mean.
Images: Pexels; Giphy(10)
