9 Things Women Who Wear Black During The Summer Are Tired Of Hearing Because We're Not Trying To Be Intimidating
I like popsicle colors and rock-candy hues just as much as the next woman, but that doesn't stop me from inflicting myself onto the hardships of wearing black during the summer. I don't know what it is, but my closet is bursting with somersaulting daisy prints, stripes that resemble fire-rocket popsicles, and happy colors that look the way a laugh sounds, and yet... time and time again I reach for my black shift dress. I slip it over my head, match it with my black sandals and black vintage Coach purse, and head out the door like I just got fashion advice from Wednesday Addams. People literally snap their fingers at me to the beat of the theme song on the bus. What can I do other than scowl?
But since when was summer synonymous with color? OK, don't answer that, I realized how that sounded once it came out. Listen, I'm just as excited as the next person that the parka is finally kicked down to the basement and that the light doesn't come in grey through the windows anymore. I like walking around at 8 p.m. in the evening underneath a still sunny sky, and the wild riot of summer flowers charm my socks off just as much as the next gal. But just because the world is practically humming with color doesn't mean I need to. Maybe I'm just not a follower. Or maybe I just like the way a black maxi looks with my braided hair.
But the world doesn't understand that. Instead, I have to field questions and swallow sighs all day long over why I don't add a little bit or pink or a little bit of green into my wardrobe. Below are nine things women who wear black during the summer are tired of hearing.
1. "Aren't you hot in that?"
Aren't you hot? It's 100 degrees outside; I'll be hot no matter what. It's not like I've got myself wrapped up in tin foil, walking around like a double baked potato. I just have a black shift on. We're equally sweaty right now. Seriously, I see the sweat rivers running down your back. Here, let's fan each other.
2. "Are you, like, depressed?"
Oh, um. Well, if this is the logic we're using then riddle me this: I see you're wearing fluorescent clothing there; are you part of LMFAO? Do you have a little "Party Rock" reunion thing going? Did Redfoo's tennis career not pan out? No wait, come back, I'm asking seriously!
3. "But there are so many fun colors you could wear!"
Right, and I'm wearing one of them. Black. Black is a color. Trust me, I checked. Next question please, what else you got?
4. "Are you trying to channel Coven?"
Well, I mean, now I am. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to channel Fiona Goode, that stone cold fox? Here, let me flip my hair and scowl at you. Do you see it, am I doing it right? Dead ringer, right? God, thank you for saying that. I've got a whole new attitude now. Now if only I could flick you away with telekinesis. Guess I'm not the Supreme, heh heh.
5. "Hey, Wednesday Addams!"
I swear to god if I hear that finger snap one more time I'm going to break the hand that does it. And I realize that's a very Wednesday thing to say, which only makes me want to lose it even more. What are you doing to me?!
6. "Who died?"
Note to self: Don't say "you did," don't say "you did," don't say "you did." Take a deep breath, don't stoop to their level. You can do this. You're a mature, twentysomething woman.
"You're about to."
7. "You look so intimidating in all that black."
What? I just like being lazy with my ~summer style~. I can pretend to be chic when all I have is a black shirt dress, a white straw hat, and sandals. Boom. You know how I pieced this together? It was already lying on my bedroom floor. That's right, right next to the crumpled water bottles.
Anyways, you're the one wearing heels I can't even understand the physics behind and a jumpsuit that makes your boobs look all Maxim-y and gorgeous, and I'm the intimidating one? Please, leave my sight. Leave it. That's enough of this conversation.
8. "Maybe you could try white."
I tried it. I didn't like it. It made me want to scream while sliding out of my chair and onto the floor. It was like someone threw water on a witch. It was a Level Four Tantrum and I'm not looking to revisit that again.
9. "Don't you get bored of wearing the same stuff over and over?"
Wait, what? OK, let's call you out here Stacey, you literally have 14 floral dresses in your closet. I'm pretty sure you wore that same dress yesterday just with different buttons. That's all, just different buttons! I mean, how can you even tell you have something new on? Wait is that a shopping bag by your feet? I swear to god Stacey, please don't tell me that's not another — yup, it is. Oh, you sweet thing.
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