'KUWTK' Season 9 Preview Is Here! Let's Kelebrate!

This might seem out of character for me, but I watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians: A Very Merry Christmas last night. And by "out of character for me" I mean "me just living truthfully." A Sunday night spent watching a new Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode is a good Sunday night indeed. The 90 minute special started with a pre-taped "Christmas morning" segment, which starred the Kardashian-Jenners in their best pajamas. There was a white elephant exchange (complete with a fight over a double chin exercise tool AND a fake winning lotto ticket. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, and that is why I love this family), some old family movies and photos, and lots of memory-sharing. Mason and Penelope Kardashian-Disick stole the show because they are adorable kids, and adorable kids always steal the show.

After fake-Christmas happened, we dove right into a full KUWTW episode. But this episode had one purpose and one purpose only: To show us how much work went into creating the Kardashian Christmas card. Summary: A lot of work went into creating the Kard. And yes, I do mean "Kard." The Kardashians card so hard that it is not just a card. It is a Kard.

The Kard was revealed and it was as Kardy as a Kardashian Kard has ever been. And as if the Kard kreveal (eh, I tried) wasn't enough, the special ended with a trailer for the upcoming KUWTK season. MERRY KHRISTMAS TO ME. Season 9 will air sometime in 2014 and I will stare at the E! channel until it begins. Actually, no. No I won't. That'd be ridiculous. Instead, I will watch the trailer and transcribe my reactions. And then watch the trailer again... 45 times in a row. That seems reasonable:

0:05 "I gotta learn to rap." All l I want for Christmas is a Scott Disick rap album.

0:12 Kendall's apathy re: Kris's complaint that Kim has "Been doing her makeup in my bathroom for about three hours" is giving me LIFE.

0:25 Kris and Bruce tell the family about the split off-camera. Just kidding, there are cameras present for the convo. Eesh. Too real. Everyone but Kendall keeps their feelings to themselves. Let it out, Kendall! Ugh, sad.

0:33 A paparazzo asks Khloe, "Did you do this to Lamar?" THAT PAPARAZZO IS A JERKWAD. GO AWAY, JERKWAD PAPARAZZO.

0:36 "I've been in hiding because I'm afraid of people." Jeez. Just when I thought this preview got "too real" with the Kris/Bruce split. The Khloe/Lamar stuff is so sad. (I must note that Khloe's matte red lipstick is phenomenal.)

0:40 Khloe rocking her best Yolanda Foster 'do. Hey, however you channel your power, Khloe. I support it.

0:46 Brody asks "How is Lamar?" and I have to tell myself it's Stepbrother Brody Jenner asking, not Reality Star Brody Jenner asking. I have to believe they all care about each other whether or not the cameras are around.

0:51 "I would do anything to be accepted back by you guys. You guys are all I've got." Well, this is devastating.

0:58 Kourtney's "KHLOE'S MY FAVE" t-shirt is great. Where can I get that shirt?

1:03 This Kardashian-Jenner family game plan session is my equivalent of the G8 Summit.

1:08 Forget the "Rob Takes On Chainsaw Art" subplot. My body is READY for the "Scott Says He's going to Take Karate Lessons, But Calls It A Day After Putting On A Gi And Screaming In The Backyard" subplot.

1:09 The Kardashian sisters have the best pajama collection.

1:12 I know I'm never not talking about Scott's new look, but Scott Disick in that baseball cap and beard and madras (plaid?) button down is such a crazy departure from the Scott Disick of yore.

1:14 A few guesses as to what Kourtney and Khloe are smashing in that bucket: 1) Grapes for wine-making purposes, 2) The plates that weren't already smashed during their Greece trip, 3) Nothing is in the bucket because everything is an illusion.

Okay. The remainder of the preview is Kimye proposal-heavy, so know that all of my commentary is punctuated with tears of joy.

1:17 This is the most beautiful image in the history of humankind.

1:18 What a power couple.

1:21 My sentiments exactly.

1:22 My sentiments exactly, continued.

1:24 BYE.


1:26 "WE'RE HAVING A WEDDING EVERYBODY"--Kris Jenner and I uttered this at the same exact moment.

1:27 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3