Glamour U.K. & People's End Of Year Sexiest Lists Will Make You Sad

As the last red and yellow leaves descend into cold grey roads and snow begins to fall upon our quieter and Dickensian gloomy cities, the Internet attempts to warm you from the loins with lists of the sexiest people of the year. People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive this year, to much debate, was Adam Levine. (Or as my sister quipped, "Adam Levine is the Sexiest Man Alive, or rather, Adam Levine is the Sexiest? Man Alive!"). And just recently Glamour UK released its list of their 100 Sexiest Men Alive. Henry Cavill topped that list, followed by Robert Pattinson, Liam Hemsworth, Tom Hiddelston, and Benedict Cumberbatch rounding out the Top 5 -- as well as the names of the poshest sounding boarding school lads this side of Downton Abbey.

As I browsed through the list, I noticed something quite glaring about Glamour’s editorial choices: every single man on their list was pictured in full dress. These sexy men were not just clothed, most of them were wearing suits ...with ties. In short, they were wearing nearly as much clothes as a man can wear if he’s not skiing down a mountain or playing a character in Game of Thrones. Even David Beckham and Taylor Lautner. Yes, even them.

My point here is not that they should have been showing off their six packs or sick pecks (hey oh!), rather, it’s that these images are so insanely different from the lists curated by Men’s magazines like GQ and Esquire for their Sexiest Women of the Year. Nearly every single picture of these women are in a state of undress, half-naked, or completely naked, posing with breasts perched, biting lips, fingers in mouths, hair shaken and messy — sex. And nothing but it. Both websites have NOTHING to say about the women alongside their slideshow of images. Because you’re only supposed to LOOK at sexy people, not be interested in who they are as PEOPLE WITH BRAINS. Well, I mean there are some articles. GQ at least managed to link to earlier interviews featuring their favorite women in a barely noticeable “Read Full Article Here.” WORDS! How quaint.

Esquire called their feature “Sexiest Woman Alive MADNESS” -- because men who play fantasy football need one more thing to stare at on a screen and never meet an actual human woman (sick burn, Self!). Take a look at the sad sad state of how sexy is being represented for both men and women.

Glamour

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Worst Offense: Though Glamour manages to keep their sexy men clothed and dignified, the copy related to each individual is another sad, sad turn for women. Each slide included three small categories of information: Age,Single?, See Him Next. Because women only want to know how old a man is, whether he’s married, and where that paycheck is coming from. RIGHT? Nope.

Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Redeeming Sexiness: Glamour’s list included actors like Martin Freeman, Matt Smith, and David Tennant, proving that smarts and talent are not unconventionally sexy, they’re just downright sexy,

GQ

Jonathan Leibson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Worst Offense: Music and Fashion Bracket Description

“We had to combine them because, while there are plenty of beautiful musicians, there aren't that many who are talented, too. And with the models, well, there are only so many we can tell apart.”

Runner-Up: This horrendous “journalism” on the absolute kick-ass woman that is Aubrey plaza.

“It's clear upon meeting Plaza that she is not the sarcastic, disaffected April Ludgate from Parks and Recreation, or the sarcastic, disaffected romantic interest in Funny People, or the sarcastic, disaffected hanger-on in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, or the sarcastic, disaffected lead from the cute indie Safety Not Guaranteed. She laughs, occasionally. She's more casually pretty than she's ever allowed to look on-screen. “

Oh wow, you’re surprised that Ms. Plaza is multi-dimensional? And more pretty than she’s ALLOWED to look? OH. OH NO YOU DID NOT.

Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Redeeming Sexiness: Jourdan Dunn topped their list and the article which accompanied her many naked photos actually focused on her outspoken nature about the fashion industry. Opinions and fierce honesty...definitely sexy.

Esquire

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Worst Offense: Allowing Such a Scummy Thing to be Printed About Scarlett Johansson

On the Sexiest Woman of 2013, "Four-fifty on a Thursday afternoon, deep in a shadowy bar at a hotel called the Nomad, downtown Manhattan, and Scarlett Johansson actually wants to write. I give her a little hotel pad, maybe four-by-six, which she grabs in her small, ringless fingers...As she thinks, she purses her lips, looks down, casting a little furtive charm. This one. She came in here — and this place is hung with velvet curtains and underlit by 40-watt bulbs; it's seriously dark — with her sunglasses on, walked six feet in front of me, at her publicist's side, in her gray cotton tracksuit, half pointing at tables that might work for her. All movie star up in here. And I didn't look at her ass. I don't know that she wanted me to. Probably not. Surely not. In any case, I didn't.”

Where to even begin with this? The small ringless finger, the ass begging to be looked at, and the “cute” way she “thinks.” None of this is good for anyone. And it's definitely not sexy.

Redeeming sexiness: None, the whole thing just made me sad.