Upon Further Inspection

I’m Over Getting Scammed By Gas Prices. Who’s With Me?

Scooting away from the pump.

by Ginny Hogan
Comedian Ginny Hogan shares affordable ways to get around, now that gas prices are exorbitant.
George Marks, Stockbyte, Lauren Nicole, fotog/Getty Images, Shannon Aston/Stocksy

Unless you’ve been making the wise financial decision to live under a rock for the past few months, you’ve probably noticed that gas prices have risen faster than the number of reality TV dating shows on Netflix. Across the country, it’s nearly $5 a gallon on average. Gas should not cost as much as half a latte; it gives you zero buzz.

If you’re not Elon Musk himself, you may not have the funds to afford a Tesla, which means your car probably depends on gas. That, in turn, means you have a problem: How do you get anywhere? While politicians are busy sending unread emails about the “economy,” I have a simple solution — just don’t use gas.

Below, 11 affordable ways to get around, despite the rising cost of fuel.

  1. Razor Scooters: Sure, they lost you a tooth as a child, and while that risk remains, there’s a silver lining: The new tooth the dentist fits you for will probably be brighter than the original. After all, it hasn’t weathered decades of daily $10 lattes.
  2. Biking: Your most annoying coworker has been advocating two-wheeled transport for years. And while you hate to let her win, you’d love to prove that you have better helmet hair than she does.
  3. Crawling: Babies do it, and they’re literally so smart. Proof: They greet the day by crying, which is the only appropriate reaction to Wednesday. Get down on your hands and knees to get from your cubicle to the bathroom, and your boss will most likely send you home sick. Win-win.
  4. Skateboarding: Yes, you’ll strain your back the first time you try it, but to be fair, that happens when you stand up too quickly, too.
  5. Piggyback rides: This can be an act of great intimacy. Just wash your smeared eyeliner off before hopping on, or it will become a piggyback ride of shame.
  6. A Fugly Hag Stroll: TikTok may have popularized the Hot Girl Walk, but do you know how hard it is to be a Hot Girl? Hokas are like $100. I'll stick with my sneakers that are older than Gen Z, thank you very much.
  7. Jogging through your neighborhood: Jogging is a great way to feel superior to others all day. This is a fact, because I’ve spent my life feeling inferior to joggers.
  8. Power-walking to get the newspaper: Actually, maybe skip the newspaper part if you want to keep your mood up. There hasn’t been good news since Taylor Swift got her second cat.
  9. Wandering very slowly up and down your street like a Victorian ghost in an HBO drama: You’re just tired. You read the aforementioned newspaper. This is the most you can do.
  10. Just staying put: On the bright side, leaving the house is more expensive than ever just when staying inside is more appealing than ever.
  11. Walking up and down the stairs of your own house: You don’t run the risk of an awkward run-in with an ex if you only travel within your home. Unless you live with an ex, in which case, I get it. Rent is expensive, too.