According to the Internet, the one great thing about being a '90s kid was being treated to some wonderful shows. The subsequently downside is that real life was never as fun as the neon world television let us sneak in on. (Except maybe Hey Arnold! That show was bummer city). And our disappointments would sometimes circle back to all the fun fictional products that our favorite characters got to enjoy.
I mean, granted, sometimes these products have real-life counterparts, because there's always money to be made. Sometimes you can even Etsy it up and find modern mock versions of certain products. But, back in the day, it would've been swell to take a bite out of a Reptar Bar, to slap on a Buddy Band and become the most radical kid in school, to carry a Log on your back. OK, the last one wasn't really a logistic impossibility.
We can't relive the simple innocence of the '90s, no matter how many trends resurface and reboots make it to our streaming services. But we can revisit the '90s candies, toys, and highly useful life-aids that existed in our favorite TV shows. Scroll down and see for yourself, then try not to cry over your lost youth.
1. Reptar Cereal And Bars, "Rugrats"
I think for a hot sec Reptar Cereal may have been a thing, but I can't promise that it turned milk green and came with an amazing New Wave jingle. Anyway, Reptar Bars are really where it's at. Honestly, I would buy anything that dinosaur would sell me.
2. Log, "The Ren & Stimpy Show"
Why even spend your money on a slinky when you can just toss some wood down the stairs? Again, it's very plausible that you could manifest this in real life, but wouldn't you want the satisfaction of buying this in Toys R' Us?
3. Bonestorm, "The Simpsons"
You can't blame Bart Simpson for stealing this; Santa looks like a total badass here.
4. Buddy Bands, "Saved By The Bell"
This video is honestly nothing short of a masterpiece. I have no doubt that wearing these would get me several scantily clad women.
5. Nancy Spumoni Snow Boots, "Hey Arnold!"
I wish Helga pulled a sort of Gift Of The Magi move and passed those fly shoes over to me.
6. Major Glory Action Figure, Dexter's Lab
Major Glory's appeal spanned both Dexter's Lab and Powerpuff Girls, so naturally I wanted my hands on him, too. On a related note...
7. The Action League Now Action Figures, "Kablam!"
Technically, these were the stars of their own Kablam! segment, but that doesn't mean that I still wouldn't have killed to have Thunder Girl or The Flesh in real life. Maybe I'd pass on Meltman.
8. Those Wildly Oversized Jawbreakers, "Ed Edd N' Eddy"
Once again, jawbreakers technically exist, and you can get them in an absurd size. These monstrosities, though. What with the way that Eddy obsesses over them, I'm sure they're magical.
9. Bouncy Balls, "Clarissa Explains It All"
I don't think Clarissa and her mom ever managed to successfully push out these little guys to the public, but I remember recording the commercials on my casette player, so clearly I was sold.
10. "Milk Master", 'Friends'
You'd be able to have milk every day with minimal disaster. Who can reject that concept?
11. Scooby Snacks, "A Pup Named Scooby-Doo"
Oh come on, Scooby Snacks were already an American institution by the time the '90s rolled around. My question is, what exactly are these laced with? Like, there's definitely something sinister in these biscuits to make Scooby (and Shaggy) get into action.
Maybe it is worthwhile to see if anyone's reproduced our favorite fake items in real life. But I still can't see how they would ever be as magical as they looked on screen.