Sometimes we get to a point in life where we look at the people we are hanging around with and feel completely unsatisfied. In those moments, it's easy to cast blame on everyone else, but the best place to start making changes is with yourself. There are a number of easy tweaks you can make that
can attract better people into your life, and you might be surprised to find that the more effort you put into yourself, the more positive people will naturally come your way.
"I am sure you have heard phrases like 'Your vibe attracts your tribe' and 'Like attracts like,'"
life coach Samantha Siffring, tells Bustle . "There isn't any mystical magic to this principle. It is just that we seek out people who are like us and make us feel good. That said, I'm 100 percent against changing yourself to fit in with other people, middle school style. In my opinion, the ultimate goal is to become more of who you really are to attract your people."
If you're looking for ways to make your inner circle filled with higher quality people, try some of these 11 interesting tweaks that can help you attract better people into your life.
"If you have undesirable people in your life and you do not enjoy spending time with them, politely decline invitations to spend more time with them,"
life coach Sarah Wall, tells Bustle. "Why? Life is short, and time is a precious resource. Some people can be draining. Recognize this and take some time out to nurture yourself with a quiet night at home instead of saying yes to something you really don’t want to do. When you start saying no, you free up time and space to invite different people into your life."
Practice gratitude for who you have in your life by taking a few moments each day to appreciate what you love about the people who you do spend time with. "Appreciating what you have and focusing on the positive puts you in a more positive mindset," says Wall. "It allows you to build upon that momentum and to attract more like-minded people who align better with you."
Take action, and get out there and try something new. "Seek out new experiences and have fun," says Wall. "You never know who you will meet. When you put yourself out there to meet new people who enjoy some of the same activities as you, you are expanding your social circle with people who share some common interests — and hopefully common values too."
Ask yourself if you exhibit any of the negative qualities that you do not like in your circle. "If you find yourself frequently surrounded by grumpy people, perhaps you are often grumpy yourself," says Wall. "Take some time to think about what you are putting out there. Once you accept you are emitting some not-so-positive signals, or you have a negative behavior you want to change, find a way to show up and behave differently." According to Wall, friends who may be reflecting that less-than-positive energy may start to emulate you once you make that shift. Or, you'll naturally start to shift away from people bringing negativity into your life.
Avoid Your Phone When You're Out
Burying yourself in your phone when you feel uncomfortable around others or when you're waiting for your coffee prevents you from connecting with people you might have something in common with. "Take your earbuds out while you are out and about," says Wall. "It is a nonverbal cue that you are unavailable. No one will take any notice of you. Smile at others, say hello. Nothing has to come of it, you just have to send a sign that you are open and available."
If you want to get to know more people with better interests, become a host. "Host a biweekly happy hour, and invite your friends," says Wall. "Tell your friends to bring their friends. As you meet new people, you have a place to invite them to get to know them better. People that have things going on are attractive to people. You're social, you have friends, and you have high value."
Enjoy Yourself Substance-Free
Drinking buddies can be fun, but if you really want to connect with someone, try taking alcohol out of the equation sometimes. "Take time to enjoy yourself as you are, substance-free," says
life coach Nina Rubin, M. A. over email. "Get to know your interests, your likes, and your dislikes without smoking weed or drinking for a couple of weeks. Note how you feel and cleanse yourself."
You can't always wait around for others to reach out to you first. "Make the first move and stop playing games," says Siffring. "Do you secretly think you would be BFFs with the girl at work with the sweater that has cats on it? Ask her to coffee. Don't be afraid to ask her to get together again, as there is literally no rule that you have to take turns initiating plans."
Learn About Different Topics
The more you learn about, the more variety you'll have when it comes to conversations with new people. "Read books, listen to podcasts, or watch TED talks," says Siffring. "Fill your mind with interesting ideas about history, current events, the future, and more. You will never be at a loss for conversation topics, and your new ideas will lead to some fascinating conversations with other people."
Make A List Of Qualities You Like
Make a list of what qualities contribute to you or others being emotionally or mentally healthy. "Look online and read self-help books," says
psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig, MEd, LCSW over email. "Talk to a therapist. Understand what you’re looking for in others. It’s not perfection, but it is specific qualities that give people competence and confidence and make them shine."
If you see someone who has a great group of people around them, figure out what they're doing right. "Observe people with high self-esteem," says Koenig. "How do they interact with others? What kind of vibes do they give off? What kind of people do they engage with? By modeling yourself after them, you can choose healthier people to be with."
At the end of the day, you can't change others, but you can change yourself, and you might be pleased to find what happens to your friendships as a result.