11 Red Flags From 'Bachelorette' Contestants' Bios That Rachel Should Look Out For
Paul Hebert/ABC

One of life’s greatest pleasures? Why, that would be the age-old tradition of combing through the Bachelor and Bachelorette bios and forming opinions about the contestants before the season premiere even airs. And what do you know, the Bachelorette bios for Rachel Lindsay's season have arrived. The red flag-riddled Bachelorette bios for Lindsay's season, that is.

I know it is not cool to judge a book by its cover, but I'm not not going to dig into the Bachelorette contestants' questionnaire answers. That's what the questionnaire answers are here for. And I gotta say, there are some rough responses. Sure, there are thankfully a handful of guys whose bios didn’t give me cringe sweats; I, like just about everyone who watched Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor, adore Lindsay, so it’s nice to know that some of the humans vying for her affections aren’t complete dinguses.

Alas, rounding up the lovely Bachelorette application responses isn’t my mission. My mission, which I’ve chosen to accept like a rose at a rose ceremony, is to pick out some of the most concerning answers. Here are some of the red flags from contestant bios that Lindsay should look out for.

Er, I guess I should say I hope she looked out for? You know, because the season already taped and Lindsay is happily engaged. Anyway, let's get to the bonkers Bachelorette bio excerpts.

1. Alex Apparently Ate A Live Salamander

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Q: What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?

Alex: “Ate a live salamander.”

Alex didn’t just eat a salamander. He ingested a salamander while it was still breathing. No, thank you.

2. Blake E. Loves 50 Shades Darker

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Q: If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why?

Blake E.: The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.”

Nothing against "taboo sexy stuff," but come on. You can literally watch any movie and you go with 50 Shades Darker? Huh. Live your truth, I guess.

3. Blake E. Hates Parking Laws

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Q: Who is the person you dislike most in the world and why?

Blake E.: “Parking ticket people, because they don't have souls.”

Ah, yes. How dare parking enforcement officers ticket those who don’t follow parking rules. How dare they do their jobs.

4. Brady Has A Situation With The Situation

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Q: Who is the person you dislike most in the world and why?

Brady: “Mike The Situation from Jersey Shore. He's just a total bro that I wouldn't be able to stand.”

Like Blake E.’s movie answer, this response bewilders me. Out of every single person on the planet, The Situation is Brady’s number one monster?

5. Bryce Is Too Electrifying

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Q: How would you describe yourself as a lover?

Bryce: “A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.”

Wait. Aren’t you supposed to steer clear of water during lightning storms?  

6. Bryce's Dating Fear

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Q: What's your biggest date fear?

Bryce: “The chick is actually a dude.”

No words.

7. Diggy's Idea Of "Fun"

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Q: Tell us a fun story about a one night stand.

Diggy: “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!”

I have so many questions, but I’ll just ask one: Diggy considers this a “fun” story?

8. Jonathan's Job Sounds Like Something From A Nightmare

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Q: Occupation.

Jonathan: “Tickle Monster.”

Nope.

9. Lucas' Job Sounds Like A Sneeze Mixed With A Burp

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Q: Occupation.

Lucas: “Whaboom.”

OK? I mean, at least it isn’t tickle monster.

10. Lucas' Offensive Lunch Date Answer

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Q: If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?

Lucas: “Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.”

I don’t know where to begin.

11. Milton's Questionable Intentions

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Q: What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?

Milton: “Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.”

I appreciate his transparency, but he may not be here for the right reasons.

And on that note, I hope Lucas breaks down what it means to "whaboom" for a living on Monday's season premiere.