The written prepared statements from former FBI Director James Comey's much-anticipated testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee were released Wednesday night to the joy of Twitter users everywhere. While the testimony was expected to reveal more about the events leading up to Comey's abrupt firing, his conversations with President Donald Trump, and give more insight into the (several times denied) investigations into allegations that the Trump campaign colluded with Russia in the 2016 presidential race, it really was only a matter of time before the first wave of Comey memes began.
The veritable spy novel full of word salad presented in the statements included mentions of hookers, clouds, a grandfather clock, and alleged #casual demands for loyalty among descriptions of some deeply uncomfortable exchanges between the POTUS and Comey. And that doesn't even include the takes on New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie's "normal New York City conversation" remarks.
The good people of the internet — who have undoubtedly been rocking back and forth muttering "covfefe" to themselves with excitement heading into Thursday's big event — didn't disappoint. Here's just a few of the most fire memes to moisturize your skin, fix your split ends, and cure all that ails you before you tune in to watch the testimony on Thursday morning.
The Hottest Read
DC'S HOTTEST READ IS THE COMEY STATEMENT pic.twitter.com/DCesWU1tg1— Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) June 7, 2017
His Connection Is Probably Slow Too
TRUMP: I wasn't involved with Russian hookers.— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) June 7, 2017
COMEY: No spaces?
TRUMP: No spaces. Lowercase.
COMEY: Kinda weird Wi-Fi password, but OK.
Swipe Left Forever
Comey's opening statement sounds like a Tinder horror story. pic.twitter.com/Umrjhmj0kS— Kelly Weill (@KELLYWEILL) June 7, 2017
It Wasn't Nearly This Romantic
Comey: "We simply looked at each other in silence." pic.twitter.com/n53Su54eqi— Jessica Taylor (@JessicaTaylor) June 7, 2017
Don't You Want Me?
I can't get over this Comey testimony you guys pic.twitter.com/zzrBb5F5sH— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) June 7, 2017
Every Day Brings Us Closer
COMEY: growing up in the old neighborhood, there sure were a lot of interesting characters...— matt ◉ lubchansky (@Lubchansky) June 8, 2017
COMEY (italian accent): ay it's'a the pee tape
Normal New Yorker Life
"Normal New York City conversation" pic.twitter.com/Ao4DjXB9id— Kate Aronoff (@KateAronoff) June 7, 2017
10/10 Would Read
The Trump Boys in "The Cloud, The Hookers & The Grandfather Clock" pic.twitter.com/IbNulhrmgB— ElElegante101 (@skolanach) June 7, 2017
If These Clocks Could Talk, Man
Nobody knows,— Chris Geidner (@chrisgeidner) June 7, 2017
The trouble I've seen.
But Comey. pic.twitter.com/YprL5GfodO
Gatsby, Eat Your Heart Out
james comey, you're a STORY TELLER. pic.twitter.com/gM6oQeInhM— Sara Yasin (@missyasin) June 7, 2017
The #Dark Side
More people should be talking about this part of Comey's testimony. Just wow. pic.twitter.com/s0PthoUgpK— Eric Geller (@ericgeller) June 7, 2017
The GOP Tried It
Just A Normal Westeros Conversation, Right?
"Reek, I need you to defend what I said to Comey"— Oliver Willis (@owillis) June 7, 2017
"I am Reek"
"Good boy Reek. You get a nice steak in the cage tonight."
"I am Reek" pic.twitter.com/ISW7EPNzkV
Give Comey A Column, Six Seasons, & Two Movies
"he wanted loyalty but all I could promise was honesty" -james comey pic.twitter.com/dHW6rsuESQ— Ziwe (@ziwe) June 7, 2017
The Famed Dinner
January 27 Dinner— Jeremy Newberger (@jeremynewberger) June 7, 2017
Comey: I didn't move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. pic.twitter.com/IwaXKFYRvM
You just KNOW Comey typed this out on a vintage typewriter with a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth.— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) June 7, 2017
Don't Be Babashook
"Comey is testifying this Thursday. Watch out for a distraction from the Trump administration." pic.twitter.com/uwRPhMIx1Q— Dave Losso (@davelosso) June 7, 2017
Rest Up, Fam
Goodnight— shanTANu (@shantaclair) June 8, 2017
I have a testimony to watch tomorrow .
If this meme response from the night before is any indication, Thursday's testimony tweets (including those from @POTUS himself) are sure to be something not to miss. Here's hoping everyone can manage to pull themselves together and pause their spy novel fan-fiction long enough to bring their A-game.