21 Made-Up 'Riverdale' Words More Ridiculous Than The Gargoyle King
The premise of Riverdale was ludicrous from the get-go. And since its premiere, the show has consistently one-upped its absurdity, introducing wildly named characters like Sweet Pea, Papa Poutine, Jellybean, and Edgar Evernever and placing Archie and the gang in increasingly wacky storylines. It only makes sense, then, that Riverdale's made-up words would be just as preposterous.
Season 3 has thus far featured a juvie fight club; a ridiculous villain called the Gargoyle King; town-wide seizures; a creepy, cult-like farm; Veronica as a bona fide mob boss (and owner of a teen speakeasy); and plenty of weird, drugged up hallucinations (never forget the floating babies). But three seasons in, all of this is par for the course with Riverdale, as is all of its outlandish vocabulary. With couple ship names like Varchie, Bughead, and Falice, as well as gangs called the Vixens, the Red Circle, the Dark Circle, the Gargoyle Gang, and the Pretty Poisons, it's clear the Riverdale writers have a fun sense of imagination, and if the show's fans have made it this far, they're certainly along for the ride. Here are 21 of the best fake brand names and silly phrases the show has incorporated thus far.
1. Vanity Flair
In Season 1, Episode 8, Betty laments that her situation with Polly is impossible, but newcomer Veronica corrects her. "Betty, come on — an impossible situation is being invited to the Vanity Flair Oscar party and Elton John's Oscar party on the same night," she says. "Which happened to me one year — I know."
2. Triple C
When Archie and Jughead break down on the side of the road with Jingle Jangle in their car, Andrews announces that he doesn't have a spare tire and is going to have to call Triple C (or maybe it's CCC?).
3. American Excess
The name of Veronica's credit card, which is always loaded with daddy's sketchy money.
4. The Five Seasons
Riverdale's nicest hotel is so fancy that it has five seasons instead of four. "It's not Waldorf, nor the Plaza, but the Five Seasons — like all of Riverdale — has its charms," Veronica says in Chapter 18.
Upset that Chic is living with them, Hal Cooper tells his wife and daughter that he's moving into a ShareBNB downtown.
6. Shankshaw Prison
Not to be confused with Shawshank Prison, Shankshaw is Riverdale's penitentiary, where FP is held for a spell.
7. Bean & Beluga
Veronica gets her brunch on with a chocolate almond croissant from Bean & Beluga — not to be confused with the New York bakery Dean & Deluca. It's an absolutely baffling name — are they coffee beans or bean beans? And what does any of this have to do with beluga whales?!
Riverdale's Southside, which Hiram is trying to revamp and commercialize with his for-profit prison.
In Season 1, Episode 7, Veronica decides to use "some retail therapy to salve [her] emotional wounds," and orders several boxes from Glamazon.com. Poor Smithers.
10. Jingle Jangle
A drug that the Sugarman distributed around town in Season 2.
11. The Matchelorette
The Bachelorette knockoff that Veronica references in Season 2, Episode 3. "Daddy, tonight's the season premiere of The Matchelorette, and I would love to have my friends over to watch," she tells her father.
After Joaquin disappears, Kevin takes to walking around Fox Forest looking for hookups. This worries Betty, and asks her friend, "Why can't you use Grind'em like every other gay guy in the world?" Perhaps Kevin would fare better on a little-known app called Grindr?
13. Griffins & Gargoyles
This role-playing game is obviously a stand-in for Dungeons & Dragons, but a bit more...fatal.
14. TGI Thursdays
In Season 3, Episode 2, Cheryl announces that she's going to eat at TGI Thursdays — which is apparently where it always feels like Thursday? Sounds like a rough sell.
The Riverdale equivalent of your favorite red licorice.
An anagram for Riverdale that's used in the aforementioned Griffins & Gargoyles.
17. Fizzle Rocks
A drug which Hiram Lodge and Claudius Blossom were making and distributing around Riverdale. People often take it when they play Griffins & Gargoyles.
18. Glamergé Eggs
This Fabergé egg knockoff is what Hiram uses to pay off Mrs. Mulwray in exchange for doctoring her Sweetwater River research.
19. The Midnight Club
The dark, gritty version of The Breakfast Club (which also features Anthony Michael Hall), the Midnight Club is all about playing G&G and secretly hooking up.
20. Crime Town
What Jughead has taken to calling Riverdale. As in, "No one's innocent in Crime Town."
A cool new word Veronica comes up while talking to Daddy's capos in Season 3, Episode 11. "I don't need you to mobsplain what's best for my family," she tells the two men, angrily.
This may already be a long list, but Riverdale is always slipping in weird new words. By the time the next episode airs, there could be 20 more.