Believe it or not, there are actually a few people who don't watch The Bachelor. Obviously, they have no idea what they're missing. Aside from the magic of watching a love story unfold, there are some hilarious lines that keep fans laughing long after the episodes end. A lot of the contestants are ridiculous and that means there are are a lot of quotes from this season that non-Bachelor fans probably wouldn't believe are real.
Every Monday, the Bachelor fandom goes in a bubble where the most ridiculous things weirdly make sense to us. From thinking that group dates are a normal concept to not even batting an eyelash when multiple women dress up as brides and bridesmaids during their first date with a guy, a lot of crazy things happen.
Of course, Bachelor fans live for the insane quotes that happen, but even non-viewers will appreciate some of these gems. Or, at the very least, I bet that some of them will tune into the next episode thanks to a piqued curiosity.
1. "I know you like a good hump and so do I."
Whether this quote is in isolation or in the context of Lacey making her first impression with a camel by her side, it's still a really weird thing to say to anyone. It's especially strange to say the first time you meet a person.
2. "I'm gonna give America a happy ending."
"I'm gonna give America a happy ending"... you go Nick.— Makenzie Ohe (@Ohe_ohis) January 4, 2017
I know what Nick meant, but it just was poorly worded. There was no way that line would get cut from the episode.
3. "He needs to love dolphins or else this isn't gonna work out."
Out of all the deal breakers for a relationship, a dislike of dolphins is not one that I've ever heard of.
4. "The last time I dated someone, I didn't know he was dating other people, so at least this time I know."
"The last time I dated someone I didn't know he was dating other people, at least now I know." Best line so far on @BachelorABC.— Melissa Egan (@MelissaWDAM) January 5, 2017
This is the most realistic comment about the premise of a reality dating show.
5. "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum."
This is something that Bachelor fans will never get over, and I imagine that non-viewers would also laugh at this quote.
6. "My two biggest fears are Nicolas Cage, the actor, and aliens."
"My two greatest fears are Nicolas Cage (the actor) and aliens." Alexis is more than we deserve. #TheBachelor— Jordan Boboltz (@JordyAlexa) January 24, 2017
Nicolas Cage and aliens seem like two random thoughts to be grouped together, but that's what makes this quote from Alexis so unique and amazing.
7. "Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, he would be proud."
Wait. What? Who would mention nudity and their father in the same sentence?
8. "No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will."
Corinne says the best things. I can't imagine any other person thinking this, let alone verbalizing it, but I love her for it.
9. "I puked." "You still taste fine."
That's love, right? Even after Vanessa vomited, Nick still wanted to make out with her. This was super sweet for a lot of the viewers, but anyone who isn't used to rooting for Vanessa from week to week has to be grossed out.
10. “I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm."
Also can't get past the fact that Corinne said she knows when to turn on her "sex charm" 😔— Jenn Berry (@heyJennBerry) January 18, 2017
Another hilarious gem with some awkward wording from the queen of the season, Corinne.
11. “If things get sticky with the other girls, you can come find me.”
At least the maple syrup looked good. Kind of.
12. "Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. But I'm in trouble for napping."
This is in the running to be one of the most iconic quotes from the season. Even if you don't watch The Bachelor, you had to see this one all over your social media timelines while the episode aired.
13. "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" "No." "Neither do I."
Definitely a forward exchange for two people who just met.
14. "You and I were blessed with some pretty terrible last names... so, basically together, you and I are a disgusting slut."
Lauren's last name is Hussey and Nick's is Viall. I feel like she could have come up with something more clever there, but instead it was very, very awkward.
15. "I know what her vagina looks like."
Raven is one of my favorites now! "I know what her vagina looks like" hahahaha 😂😂😂🌹#TheBachelor— Brittany (@BrittanyFife73) January 24, 2017
This is what Raven said when claiming she found an ex cheating on her. This is not what I would say on a first (one-on-one) date, but Raven is hilarious.
16. "There's nothing more appropriate on a first date than to see what your wedding photos would look like with each other."
Personally, I'm all for these cheesy moments and watching the contestants fall in love quickly, but I can see the non-familiar cracking up at this quote without any context.
17. "She did not know how to clean a spoon."
I had no idea it was so hard to clean silverware. Apparently, there are people who struggle with the task though, or at least that's what Raven said about Corinne.
18. "I had no idea what a shotgun wedding was. I thought I was going to be like hot and sexy with guns, but no, I'm pregnant."
No, Alexis is not actually pregnant, but reading that quote without watching the episode could cause some confusion.
19. "I wouldn't even make my nanny, Raquel, do farm chores."
Yes, someone on this show has a nanny. Yes, she used the phrase "farm chores."
20. “You’re dating me and all of my friends.”
"You're dating me and all of my friends!" - Astrid— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 10, 2017
Well, yes, that is the synopsis of The Bachelor.
21. "Corinne is 24 and has a nanny."
Yes, this is actually a thing.
22. "Straddling someone in a bouncy castle? No."
Yeah, inflatable castles are somehow a part of the courting process now.
22. "I'd love to track and field Nick all day."
I live for a clever play on words, but this one doesn't make the most sense.
23. “I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. "
What does shoveling poop have to do with finding a husband? Yeah, not much.
24. "Move, bitches."
Yes, Alexis actually said that out loud during a rose ceremony and the moment was epic.
I have no idea how there are people who don't watch The Bachelor, but they probably wouldn't believe that human beings actually uttered these words. Maybe seeing these quotes will convert some non-believers. I hope so.