26 Ridiculous Moments From 'Spirit: Stallion of Cimarron' That You Totally Forgot About
For the first time since 2002, you may have Spirit on your mind. That's because Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron turns 15 on May 24, and it's getting an unexpected second wind. Apparently, Netflix decided to bring the horse back with Spirit: Riding Free, which premiered on May 5. And maybe your inner child is stoked to ride again with the stallion. But real talk: Spirit is a movie that mostly coasts on the fact that it's beautifully animated, because once you unpack all the other elements of the film, you realize it's kind of a hot mess. Seriously, Spirit is filled with ridiculous moments.
Here's the loose plot summary, for those of you who might've forgotten: Spirit is a high-spirited (sigh) mustang that somehow gets captured by a vicious Colonel and his soldiers. With the help of a Native-American kid named Little Creek, the horse escapes... and then immediately gets captured again by the young man's tribe. He strikes up a romance with Little Creek's horse Rain, and manages to be let back into the wild before — you guessed it — he gets captured again.
Literally it's a movie about a horse that gets continuously captured. And it's narrated by Matt Damon, despite all the dialogue being exclusively neighs. Do you know how confusing that must be to a child raised on Disney films where even the silverware talks?
Anyway, for nostalgia's sake, here are some of the most craziest moments you pick up on when you rewatch Spirit as an adult.
1This Opening That Guest Stars The Owl From 'Labyrinth'
JK, it's more like an eagle or something.
2"They Say The History Of The West Was Written From The Saddle Of A Horse. But It's Never Been Told From The Heart Of One."
What? Who has ever said that? Also, why is a horse's heart telling this story?
3This Very Grim Opening Featuring A Horse In Labor
But I guess it's just going to be her whimpering in pain, right? They're going to handle this delicately for the audience of mainly children — they have to.
5The Horses, Looking On Casually
The one on the far right is definitely me during this scene.
6This Montage, Which Tells Me That Buffalos Communicate With Horses
Not in English. I want to stress again that everyone just makes a bunch of noises at each other.
7And That Cougars Are Natural Enemies Of Horses
This is just common knowledge, right?
8Anyway, Spirit, The Most Badass Horse Of All Time, Gets Captured By Soldiers Almost Immediately
He's really the only one of his entire drove, too. It's almost impressive.
9Whatever Is Happening Here
Spirit is... rebelling here, I think?
10Presented Without Comment
11This Weird Horse Meet-Cute That Happens While Little Creek Jumps From Horse To Horse
Like, it's very clear that Nora Ephron did not pen this scene.
12When Spirit Gets Captured Again, Almost Immediately After Escaping
How, how is this possible?
13"I Couldn't Understand It. She Treated The Scrawny Two-Legged Like One Of Our Kind."
14This Horse Love Montage
It's like the Simba-Nala lion love montage with weaker music.
15But No, Wait, There's This Epic Horse Breakup Scene
DONE ENTIRELY IN NEIGHS. THE BREAKUP CONVERSATION IS ALL NEIGHING.
16When For .05 Seconds I Believe They're Going To Subject Me To Another Horse Pregnancy Scene
Don't worry, they didn't.
17When All Spirit's Horse Friends Are Stoked He's Captured Again
Because he gets captured again, for like the third time in the movie.
18When It's Revealed That The Soldiers Want The Horses To Like... Help Make Railroads... Or Something
To be honest, I'm not even sure. The heart of a horse isn't a particularly riveting storyteller.
19When Spirit Commits Arson
And it almost makes up for the fact that he was captured three times over the course of this movie.
20When Spirit Still Won't Let Little Creek Ride Him After All They've Been Through
Like really, I hate to get all Kardashian about it, but that's seriously so rude.
21When They Serious Get Trailed Again — They Are The Worst At Evading Capture
Seriously, I'm rooting for the Colonel at this point.
22Oh, Nevermind, They Jump The Grand Canyon Together
"I Believe I Can Fly" plays in the background... in my mind...
23And Then The Two Just Give A Bro Nod
24Oh & Then The Eagle Shows Up At The End For Just To Say, "Hey, What Up"
Like seriously, he didn't have anything to deal with this film. I'm utterly baffled.