I don't think I need to tell anyone that
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my life, mainly because, well, isn't it everyone's life? I don't need an excuse to revisit some of those episodes with fondness and skepticism, the latter mainly over how utterly '90s it all was. Real talk: Buffy is now 20 years old, and not all those monsters aged well over the years. In fact, in the early stage of the series especially, the Scoobies found more than a few weak-ass demons lurking around Sunnydale.
It's to be expected. Buffy saved the world (a lot) and in those efforts she came across plenty of horrors from the Hellmouth, big and little Bads threatening her around every alley — and on Homecoming no less. But among the larger story arcs lurked plenty of monsters-of-the-week that somehow failed to have us shivering in our stylish yet affordable boots. Or maybe back in an era where you were afraid of meeting strangers off the internet (LOL), they totally wigged you out and now... well, it's honestly so hard not to burst out into laughter. Either way, they can't all be The Gentlemen, folks.
So feel free to revisit some of the silliest monsters in
Buffy history. They'll just remind you of why you loved the show so much.
Interdimensional Demon, "Anne"
You know what, this dude is pretty fearsome in a scariest-Halloween-mask-at-Party-City kind of way. I just can't take my eyes off those teeth.
Ampata, "Inca Mummy Girl"
Um, ew? "Ampata" definitely started showing her age in the final parts of "Inca Mummy Girl," and the whole shrivel-y corpse look is
not a cute look on her. Still, she earns a spot on the list for following through with the always hilarious Xander's-love-interests-try-to-kill-him trope.
Sweet, "Once More With Feeling"
OK, look. I know you love Sweet. We all love Sweet. He's just so gosh darn suave, and "Once More With Feeling" is your
favorite episode ever. You got the soundtrack on CD, and you belt "Going Through The Motions" alone in the car on your way to work. I'm just saying that, if the musical didn't go as brilliantly as it did, the whole singing demon thing would be a hard sell.
When we first think Ted is a two-faced, househusband from hell, he's legitimately concerning. Having him threaten to smack Buffy and then having her accidentally "kill" him is all chilling stuff, no question. And then... he turns out to be a robot? And I'm sorry, but that does not look like any sophisticated robotics popping through his skin.
Bezoar Babies, "Bad Eggs"
High ick factor,
high ick factor. There are some scenes in this episode with all the energy-sapping tentacles and what have you. More than anything, though, I would be terrified to find one of those suckers in my bathtub. They're almost as bad as silverfish. Almost.
Der Kinderstod, "Killed By Death"
There are two ways I perceive Der Kinderstod. (1) This bootleg Freddy Krueger really gives me the wiggins in a bad way. Something about his movements and all the eyeball-popping doesn't sit right with me, and I am always more than willing to pass this episode over in a rewatch for fear of breeding nightmares. (2) "M'lady."
Fake Dead Hansel And Gretel, "Gingerbread"
There is very valid horror at the thought of murdered children, or just spooky ghost children in general. Also, this is Aaron Carter's best work.
Undead Students, "Lessons"
This is probably one of the most successful takes on undead Sunnydale students; the girl in the middle kind of freaks me out. But also, at this point in the series, it's kind of been there, done that.
Parker, Dickie, Big Bob, "The Zeppo"
The make-up is pretty intense for at least two out of three of these clowns, but eh. If you can be masterminded by Xander, you ain't all that.
Daryl Epps, "Some Assembly Required"
Buffy's first run with a Frankenstein type underwhelms, and we can leave it at that.
Dracula, "Buffy Vs. Dracula"
So among all the self-aware campiness of the Season 5 opener, we're expecting that this guy with a five-head would actually get his teeth around Buffy's neck? I get that he's supposed to be
the Dracula. I'm just saying that this bro is no Gary Oldman when it comes to sex appeal.
So the concept was that he's basically a canary yellow stegosaurus? Honorable Mention to Lyle and Candy Gorch, as they're definitely the trashiest pair of vamps we see in the series.
Cafeteria Lady, "Earshot"
Because this big reveal comes after a very
serious episode, the humorous intent keeps it from being genuinely silly. Same with...
In the close up, he
does look pretty intimidating. That's the actual size, though.
Kathy, "Living Conditions"
Likewise, the Kathy saga is silly from the get-go, so, even when Buffy's suspicions are confirmed about her being all demon-y, I'm not really quaking in my boots.
You know what's keeping me from being completely sold on this guy? Because, in theory, I wouldn't want him roaming around if I had just crawled out of my own grave. It's the bridge piercing, and the under-lip piercing, and the unnecessary cheek piercing. It all very much reminds me of those punk friend-of-friends. Look back at your hometown in 2006. You
know which guys I'm talking about.
Getting real strong Shrek vibes here.
Legit Ashanti, "First Date"
I just can't with Special Guest Star Ashanti's turn as Lissa, primarily because she does nothing to make me forget she's Special Guest Star Ashanti.
Luke, "Welcome To The Harvest"
Generally, I'm trying to side-step vampires, but we need to talk about Luke. Save for Darla and the Master, he's really the OG series opener vamp, the first substantial conflict thrown Buffy's way. And that's amazing, because Caesar Cut over here looks like the biggest idiot of all time. Seriously.
The make-up doesn't cover his bald spot.
Turok-Hans, "Bring On The Night" Etc
Can I get real with you about the über vamps for a sec? I understand that, when this dude first rises, it's a total "sh*t's about to get real" moment. Buffy getting
pummeled by one is daunting. But, by the sixth time you've rewatched the series and the Turok-Han emerge with the wonky gestures and the crazed perma-expression, you realize... they are so goofy.
Reptile Boy, "Reptile Boy"
6.Hellmouth Monster, "Prophecy Girl"
Wig Lady, "Doublemeat Palace"
I feel like this kind of speaks for itself.
With this episode, I'm first of all concerned by the anguish of the recently de-virginized Buffy, in dismay of the recently de-souled Angel, and unimpressed by the fact that this dude gets taken out by a bazooka.
Natalie French/She-Mantis, "Teacher's Pet"
When introducing this show to a friend, this is maybe the first of many Season 1 episodes you feel the need to apologize for.
Giant Snake Thing #23, "Shadow"
There is a very specific reason this friend right here gets the silver medal. At this point in the game,
Buffy has played with the snake-demon concept several times over. We're now deep in Season 5, and for whatever reason we have to watch Buffy wrap her arms around it as it shakes in the funniest-looking scene of all time.
Moloch, "I Robot, You Jane"
Like anything but a cyborg demon would win this top honor.
Buffy again and catch all these baddies that didn't make you lie awake at night. Trust me, they make the show just that much better, and the scarier villains just that much worse.