I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: Season 9 of Real Housewives Of New York is boring AF. I don’t know my favorite Housewives franchise evolved from Scary Island highs to “talking about Tom for 36 episodes” lows. This used to be must-tune-in, must-tweet television for me, and now I half watch it while I’m organizing my extensive collection of Skinnygirl paraphernalia. Since there are like ten episodes (that’s hyperbole, I think…), Real Housewives Of New York has to decide if it’s going to be interesting in the back half of the season.
So far, the season has been made up of a few plot lines: Tom and Luann’s wedding; Tinsley being back in New York and living with Sonja; and Ramona’s increasingly antagonistic behavior toward Bethenny. You pick two of those plotlines, add a little Dorinda and a touch of Carole being depressed about the 2016 election (I feel you, girl), and boom! That’s the season. Where’s the fire? Where’s the fresh meat? Where’s the screaming? Where are the pirates that Luann picks up on every tropical island they visit? Where are Ramona and Sonja trying to find the best bedroom in the hotel? Halfway through Season 9, and it’s DOA, folks. Luckily, I have some ideas for plots that would spice things up.
1. Jill Zarin Comes Back For Realsies
Andy Cohen brought Jill back for one scene this season, and though I admittedly am not the biggest Jill Zarin fan (I’ve always been Team Bethenny, what can I say?), it at least made me miss the old days. I miss Jill’s dog and Jill’s daughter Ali and Jill’s husband Bobby, and injecting a familiar face into all of this basic rigmarole could put a pep in the Real Housewives step.
2. Tinsley & Sonja Go Thelma and Louise
By that, I mean a version with more artsy bandanas and cowboy boots and fewer cliffs and chase scene. Really, I just want these two to stop bickering about hats and where to put them, make up, and hit the open plains of America together. How good would a road trip spin off be with these two? It would be like The Simple Life, circa 2017, because you know that Tinsley has never seen like, a Dairy Queen or something and Sonja would have to show her how to clean out the ice cream machine. Sonja just knows how to do everything.
3. Luann Leaves The Show
Closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from… Sorry, Luann, but I think your time is up. I like you, and I’ve liked watching you for nine (yeeps) seasons of “drama,” but I just can’t take another minute of you and Tom. If the Tom-as-an-alleged-cheater storyline hadn’t been one for, oh, a season and a half, I may be interested, but I’m not anymore. Plus, Luann is happy now, and reality television is never interesting with happy people.
4. Do A Back Door, Second-Generation Spinoff Pilot
Ramona is already going out with her daughter, Avery, and Avery’s college-aged friends (Avery is also only 21), and Victoria De Lesseps has been around a lot because of her mother’s wedding, so let’s gather these kids up and let them do their thing. It’s like Rich Kids of Instagram, but better!
5. Real Housewives Of New York Goes The Real World
Eight women who only like each other a little, picked to live in a house, have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite! Well, they’ve never been polite, so why start now? But making the women live together would really make things interesting, eh?
Are you listening, Bravo?