Of course, partners and scenarios differ, so you might not always find a physical connection or be in the mood. However, if you're regularly not having fun in bed, your partner likely isn't either. What's more, it could mean you're boring in bed, especially if you notice yourself not stepping outside your comfort zone, being adventurous, using real communication to discuss your likes and dislikes, and going with the flow. It's best to take cues from your partner, no matter who's initiating something, to see how you're both feeling.
As a certified health coach, I work with clients on feeling sexually compatible with their partners, confident in their body image (and skills), and up for any type of novel experience that could strengthen their relationships or simply just add more fun. Sex? It should definitely be fun, and a time where you can experiment, let loose, and not think about other stresses in life. Yet, if you're too caught up in your thoughts, you don't feel in the mood (and don't try to get in the mood), or you're just lazy (and perhaps a little selfish in bed), you're likely to be seen as boring in bed. What's more, boring means bad. No one wants to be bad in bed, right? Here, 9 ways to know if you're not that great in bed. Good news: Practice makes perfect.
1. You Just Lay There
This is not a joke. This actually happens, a lot. If you're like a log in bed, you're not giving your partner anything to work off of, and you're likely to be seen as boring and uninterested. Instead, "both you and your partner will likely have greater pleasure with intercourse if you move your pelvis—even just a little rhythmic motion will add to the experience and your arousal," says Carol Queen, PhD with Good Vibrations over email with Bustle.
2. You Don't Communicate
This is how it should go: "If something feels good and you want more, you say so. If something isn’t working, is uncomfortable, or you’re ready for a new position or activity, you let your partner know what you’d like better," says Queen. Without direction, you might not be as in sync as you could be.
3. You Never, Ever Try Anything New
If you only stick with what you know and you're not willing to try something new (especially if it's high on your partner's sex list), you'll come across as boring and risk adverse. "Many partners are curious about new positions and possibilities, but a boring lover doesn’t want to go along for the ride. And that means you miss out on things that could be hot, fun, funny, or just teach you more about what you do want," advises Queen. It's important to note, though, that you should never, ever feel pressured to try anything that you are uncomfortable with, of course.
4. You Never Masturbate
If you don't want to go down there, why should your partner? If you find masturbation to gross and uncomfortable, you're probably not in touch enough with your own sexuality to make sex fun and enjoyable, says Carla Rosinski, LMHC, a Sex Therapist, over email with Bustle.
5. You Get Embarrassed By Sex Scenes
If you're freaked out by sexy or raunchy scenes in movies, you could probably be a little more confident in bed, as well, says Rosinski. That is, unless you're watching with your parents, of course. Remember, you're a grown ass woman. You deserve wild sex. No shame.
6. You Laugh At The Thought Of Doing More Adventurous Things
Laughing if there are weird noises (like a creaky bed or the infamous queefing sound) can actually be a sign of a good partner, as it means you're comfortable with sex and your body; however, if you're laughing when your partner tries to do something fun and spontaneous, it can be a major turn off, says Rosinski.
7. You Always Do The Same Move
If you have a signature move or you're always doing the same positions, you're likely boring in bed. "They'll be able to predict exactly the next move, noise, or request you make. You need to switch it the hell up. Not only does switching up positions show that you're confident in your sexuality, but it keeps you both intrigued," says April Davis, Relationship Expert, and CEO of LUMA –Luxury Matchmaking over email with Bustle. What's more, take it outside the bedroom. Davis suggests the kitchen counter, dining room, or even the garage.
If you think you might be doing any of these things in bed, here's a reality check: It's boring af. Start changing things up. It'll make for a more pleasurable experience, on both ends.