Let's be real, the road to finding "The One" can be rough. When you never seem to find the right match or you keep getting into relationships that never actually go anywhere, it's easy to lose hope and feel discouraged. This has nothing to say about you or your worthiness of finding love. Everyone is worthy and deserving of a happy relationship. But if you're stuck in an endless of cycle of
attracting the wrong people, experts say, there may be things you're doing that are repelling the right person from coming into your life. The worst part is, you may not even realize you're doing it.
"If you have not had much luck in the dating or relationship area of your life, you may be closed conditionally," relationship expert and spiritual counselor,
Davida Rappaport, tells Bustle. When you're " closed conditionally" you've likely told yourself, "I'm open to being in a relationship if I find someone I actually like or connect with." But the problem with this is, you end up closing yourself off to the possibilities around you.
As Rappaport says,
if you really want a relationship you need to open yourself up to it. "The trick to avoiding missing the right one is being open regardless of attracting a bunch of 'wrong ones,'" she says.
Being closed off is definitely one way to keep from meeting new people. Here are some other more surprising things you may be doing that can keep the right one from coming into your life, according to experts.
One of the
most common pieces of love advice you'll hear is to stay busy and keep doing you. The right one will come into your life when it's time. Focusing on your career, your side hustles, and your hobbies are totally fine if you're really not that interested in having a relationship. But if you are, Rappaport says having an overloaded schedule with too many obligations and priorities can prevent the right person from coming in. "If you work too many hours, are taking classes to improve your career or just for fun, you may be overcommitted," she says. When this happens, there may not be room for someone to come into your life. "You can take stock of your life and sort out your priorities in order to be open to attracting the right one," Rappaport says. "A lighter schedule allows room for love to come in."
If you're too in your head and constantly find yourself overanalyzing the tiniest things,
Andi Forness, online dating coach, tells Bustle, that could be keeping the right one from coming into your life. "It’s not a bad thing ... I get it," Forness says. "In fact, it’s good to be an analyst in some areas of your life. But there is a HUGE difference between observing and overanalyzing." Observing can help you see whether or not someone is truly right for you. Overanalyzing, on the other hand, can make you paranoid and put you into a negative head space. When you're in that low place, it's going to be difficult to attract the right person for you.
Having Unrealistic Expectations About Who Your "Right One" Is
Unrealistic expectations can kill a relationship before it really takes off. If you have this belief that the right one will come to you as the total package, you may have unrealistic expectations. "If you just take the time to get to know someone who may be interested in you, there is a chance that they may be the right one for you," Rappaport says. Sometimes you'll meet someone and the chemistry is hot, but the intellectual compatibility is completely lacking. Other times, you'll form a friendship with someone and months the road, you find that you've developed feelings for them. Dating, getting to know new people, and staying open to the possibilities is the best way to attract the right one. Don’t let your fantasies and dreams keep you from meeting and spending time with someone who could be the right one even if they don't seem like it initially, she says.
Feeling Like You Need To Change Something About Yourself
Insecurities are part of being human. But if you constantly feel like you're lacking something, Rappaport says this kind of thinking can keep the right person from coming into your life. "If you are comparing yourself to what you view as your competition, you are only convincing yourself that 'the right one' would reject you because you do not view yourself as good enough," she says. "If you are doing this, you are trying to attract the wrong person." The right person for you will love you just the way you are. Furthermore, they will put up with your insecurities because everyone has them. "Stop deciding in your head who you should be or what you should look like in order to attract the right person," Rappaport says. "Know that the right person wants you at your best."
When you were younger you may have had an ideal timeline for your life. "We're conditioned from childhood that there is a 'right time' to do things," Amica Graber, relationship experts with
TruthFinder, tells Bustle. But the problem with that is, life doesn't work that way. Thinking that you have to follow a set timeline can actually prevent you from taking your time and weeding out all the wrong people for you. "Giving yourself a deadline to do something that you have no control over is just going to make you stressed and unhappy," Graber says. "You'll subconsciously be starting every relationship in a pressure cooker, with the expectation of meeting this goal you've created for yourself." So throw those "goals" out the window. "As much as it may make you want to bang your head against a wall, there is definitely truth in the saying, 'it happens when you least expect it,'" she says.
Having The Fear That You'll Make A Mistake
"If you find that you are afraid of making a mistake, you may be closed to attracting the right one into your life," Rappaport says. "This is very common if you have an ex-partner you could not trust." Many people go into new relationships with some kind of baggage. If you've been cheated on or mistreated in a previous relationship, opening your heart up to someone new can be really scary. But according to Rappaport, that fear of letting someone in can prevent you from attracting the right one. "Learn to be open and don’t worry about whether you can find someone you can trust," she says. "Just be aware of people’s habits and patterns, take it slow and let them earn your trust gradually." The reality is, you'll never know immediately if you can trust someone. So she suggests to just be open and discerning.
"It's a Catch-22," Graber says. "You want to meet 'The One' so much, that you actually repel the right person from entering your life." What happens is, when you really want to meet someone, you're likely to look at every date and hope that you've finally met your person. But as Graber says, this is unhealthy for several reasons. For one, you're more likely to gloss over any incompatibilities. Secondly, most level-headed people want to approach a relationship slowly. "If you're giving off intense vibes right out of the gate, it's likely to put someone off," she says. So stay optimistic, but be grounded and take it slow.
When you have your life pretty much figured out and you're ready for a long-lasting relationship, meeting all the wrong ones is the worst. Being told to "just be patient and wait" is probably the most annoying thing you'll hear. Sure, there is a good amount of patience needed to attract the right one. But it also involves you being happy with yourself and open to the possibilities. If you can do that, you will attract the right one in no time.