It's commonly believed that chemistry is something you either have with someone else or you don't. But as experts like Dr. Venessa Marie Perry, founder and chief relationship strategist at LoveWrite tells Bustle, it's not always that simple. "In some cases it is, but in others chemistry has to be cultivated," she says. If you're worried about the chemistry in your relationship, there are some interesting and unconventional things you can do to improve it.
"Chemistry means intimacy plus passion (or excitement) mixed with interest," New York-based relationship counselor and board certified clinical sexologist, Dr. Michael DeMarco, tells Bustle. Everyone experiences it in different ways. It's not always about lusting after your partner. Being completely comfortable with another person and having the ability to talk to them about anything can mean you two have great chemistry.
According to Dr. DeMarco, one of the best ways to build chemistry is through communication. If you're excited and curious about someone, you can build chemistry with them. It's all about being intentional and getting to know someone in a way that builds a good type of tension.
It's important to note that chemistry is something that doesn't stay the same over time. As Maria Sullivan, dating expert and VP of Dating.com, tells Bustle, "The intensity of chemistry can definitely ebb and flow throughout the course of a relationship."
So here are some things that can improve the chemistry in your relationship, according to experts.
1. Schedule Sex
Scheduling time for sex may not seem like the sexiest thing you can do for your relationship. But as Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexual wellness expert and CEO and founder of The Bloomi, tells Bustle, it can improve the likelihood of impromptu sex over time. "If you haven’t been having it regularly, it can feel daunting to get the ball rolling again," Story says. "Making an effort to keep sex as part of your weekly routine helps build and maintain momentum." Scheduling sex also build anticipation and the good type of tension you want in your relationship.
2. Spend Time Apart
"If you’re looking to feel more excited and passionate about your partner, you may need to create space in order to cultivate mystery, longing and the thrill of the unknown," Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Bustle. Having your own lives, separate groups of friends, and individual interests will help you have more interesting conversations when you're together. According to Dr. Jess, time apart can also make your time spent together more meaningful. "You’ll plan to be present and cultivate connection as opposed to just being in the same room or running errands together," she says. Spending a healthy amount of time apart can also prevent codependent patterns from developing.
3. Role Play The First Time You Met
If you and your partner are into it, role playing in general can make things more exciting. But something as simple as recreating the first time you met every now and then can help to improve the chemistry in your relationship. According to Rachel Wright, psychotherapist and therapeutic relationship coach, just think back to the first time you met. What attracted you to them? How did they act? How did you feel? "Write down all the things that helped to create that initial chemistry for each of you and for one night role play being your old selves," Wright says.
4. Do Things That Push You Our Of Your Comfort Zones
"I always say do something like sky diving, bungee jumping, or a horror movie because these get your adrenaline going," Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, tells Bustle. "It mimics passion and then you feel the spark." If you're really not the adventure-seeking type, don't worry. It's all about finding things that are different and push you out of your comfort zone. According to Trombetti, just doing things that neither of you would normally do will build chemistry.
5. Talk Dirty To Each Other
Making more time for sex can definitely amp up the chemistry. But according to Wright, an easier thing you can do is keep the sexy talk alive. "This can look like a text here and there, a full-blown text sex conversation or simply telling your partner that you think their butt looks great in their jeans," she says. Whatever feels comfortable for the two of you.
6. Ask Each Other Deep Questions
"The 'death of passion' in relationships occurs when we reduce conversations to the mundane," Dr. Jess says. While talking about your day or your schedule is necessary to keep your relationship going, it doesn't create the passion that results from deeper and more meaningful conversations. So don't be afraid to ask deeper questions like what's your greatest fear? When do you feel closest to me? What's one thing you'd like us to work on in the bedroom? As Dr. Jess says, "When you learn something new or gain a unique insight about your partner, it can change the way you see them."
7. Set Aside At Least Five Minutes A Day To Gaze Into Each Other's Eyes
One super easy way to improve the chemistry in your relationship is to set aside five to 10 minutes each day to hold your partner's hand and simply gaze into their eyes. "This may sound cheesy, but this is actually part of sex therapy homework I give to many couples looking to reconnect," Katie Ziskind, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. "Simply looking into your partner's eyes and being devoted to them for five minutes, can make a huge positive shift in your relationship chemistry."
Again, chemistry can be developed. While some people feel it instantly, others may take a while to see it grow. The important thing here is to keep working on it.