Any sort of sexual communication can feel awkward for a lot of people. But once you get over the hump of initiating dirty talk, you'll find that it can be hot... or fun or silly or whatever you make it. If you've reached that point, congratulations: You're ready to up your dirty talk game.
"Oftentimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it and, more importantly, how your words make your partner feel," Astroglide's resident sexologist Dr. Jess O'Reilly, tells Bustle. "Most of us want to feel sexy, desired, loved, and respected, but once you’ve both laid the foundation to ensure that you feel this way, you can take sex and dirty talk to a whole new level to explore subversive emotions: Perhaps you want to feel belittled, jealous, threatened, scared, disrespected, controlled, or subjugated (all underscored by consent, respect, and care)."
But what kind of dirty talk will be arousing is highly relationship-dependent. That's why Dr. Jess advises, "Ask your partner what fantasies turn them on and ask followup questions to gather details about the specifics of their fantasy — time, place, mood, temperature, sounds, surroundings, views, props, and people involved. Ask them if there are words they find sexy, arousing ,or off-putting. When you watch porn or sex scenes, ask them what they like and dislike. Share your desires and boundaries as well."
You can also throw out some suggestions and see what they think. It's important to note that "taken out of context, any dirty talk lines could be hurtful, and many of these would be abusive," says Dr. Jess. However, she adds, "in the context of a negotiated arrangement fueled by enthusiastic consent and regular check-ins, the same lines can enhance a sexual experience and connection."