How Important Is Chemistry In A Relationship? 7 Signs Your Connection May Not Last, According To Experts
Meeting someone you feel a strong connection to doesn't happen every day. So when it does happen, it's easy to get excited and feel like maybe you've finally met your soulmate. But according to experts, having a strong connection with someone doesn't always guarantee that your relationship is going to last.
"Having an intense connection can be great, but that connection can lead to couples having high expectations of each other and the relationship," Jeannie Assimos, eharmony’s chief of advice, tells Bustle. There's nothing wrong with having expectations. According to Assimos, it makes the relationship that much better when they're met. But if your expectations are unrealistic, you run the risk of disappointment or adopting habits that aren't really healthy for a relationship.
For instance, great chemistry can reel you in and keep you attached. But your relationship won't last, if it lacks a strong foundation. Great sexual chemistry and good conversations may only get you so far. You need to know that your partner also has your back and is committed to working on building a healthy relationship with you.
"If you don't feel your partner has your back when the chips are down, you [likely] won’t make it for the long haul," Christine Scott-Hudson, marriage and family therapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle, "Your relational foundation should be so solid that if the winds and the rains come, you won't wash away."
So here are some signs that a strong connection doesn't guarantee your relationship may last, according to experts.
1. You're So Protective Over Each Other That It's Almost Possessive
Jealousy in a relationship is normal. Knowing how to work through feelings of jealousy is the best way to maintain a healthy and well-balanced dynamic. But if one or both partners grow so jealous of who else the other is spending time with or who they're talking to, Assimos says it just screams red flag. "A relationship that’s built on such toxic feelings won’t last," she says.
Jealousy can lead to controlling behavior and one partner feeling smothered by the other. If you get easily jealous, take a step back and ask yourself why. If it's an issue of trust, you may need to have an open discussion with your partner about what needs to be done so you feel more secure in the relationship.
2. You Started The Relationship Off By Making Your Partner The Center Of Your World
Having an intense connection with someone can put you in fantasy-mode. All of your focus and attention may be on your partner to the point that they become the center of your world. But that's not the kind of thing that creates a solid foundation. While there's nothing wrong with being excited about someone early on, they shouldn't take over your life.
"In real life, there are bills to pay, kids to nurture, and trash that needs to be taken out," Dr. Caroline Madden, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist and author, tells Bustle. "Eventually, the fun and excitement will give way to the real work of a relationship."
If your partner isn't willing to put in the work after the newness has started to fade, your relationship likely won't last. Building a foundation before going all-in emotionally is the best way to know that you're investing in the right partner.
3. You Take Everything Your Partner Says Or Does Very Personally
A big part of having an intense connection in a relationship is the emotions you feel for your partner. "This should be a factor in every relationship," Assimos says. "But if one or both partners are becoming increasingly sensitive in how they’re feeling about the other, it will start to distract from the loving nature that relationships should revolve around."
When you have a strong connection with someone, their moods and behaviors can affect you deeply. For instance, if they start getting distant, it can immediately cause you to panic and may start doing whatever you can to "fix" the problem. When they're mad about something, you may automatically assume they're mad at you. When you take things too personally, it can cause you to act in ways that can turn your partner off. The best way to deal with this is to just have empathy for your partner, be supportive, and not assume to know what your partner is really thinking.
4. There Are Trust Issues
If you're constantly suspicious about what what your partner is doing or what their true motives are, your relationship likely won't last. Even if you have a strong connection with someone, trust issues will get in the way of your relationship. If there are trust issues, Shannon Wiggins, LCSWA, psychotherapist who specializes in marital and family counseling, tells Bustle, "One of two things are prone to happen: The accused partner will grow tired of being accused and throw in the towel or the accusing partner will burn themselves out trying to prove the indiscretions of their partner." Talking with your partner is the first thing you should do. But if your trust issues are deeply rooted in past situations, therapy can also be helpful.
5. You Hold A Lot Of Things Back
Open and honest communication is key to relationship success. But if you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about important issues, or you feel the need to hold things back in order to keep your relationship in a good place, you may not make it.
"Communication is the way we express our needs to one another," Wiggins says. "If you and your partner are unable to properly communicate, chances are, neither of you are getting your needs met."
When your needs aren't being met, you're likely building up resentment. Ideally, you and your partner should be communicating often. If you really can't express yourself without feeling judged or your partner threatening to end things, they may not be the right partner for you.
6. Your Fights Always Get Really Intense
"Some people believe arguing with your partner is a sign of passion and that you care very strongly for each other," Wiggins says. But that's not really true. Arguing can be healthy; it gives you a chance to air out your feelings and work on a solution together. But according to Wiggins, constant arguing is often a product of a communication issue or a blatant refusal to compromise. "Either way, it’s difficult to sustain a relationship," she says.
Learning how to actively listen to your partner without giving any input until they're finished can be helpful. But if your fights get mean and personal, that shows a lack of respect for each other. There may be no going back from that.
7. Your Core Values Don't Line Up
If you want your relationship to last, you need to make sure your core values are aligned. "Our core values dictate how we view the world and what we see as right or wrong," Wiggins says. "Behaving in ways that go against our core values provoke discomfort in us. If being with your partner causes you to go against your core values, sustaining a relationship will be difficult."
Your values include things like how you define commitment and what you think about marriage and family. A strong connection may change someone's mind about wanting a commitment, but not always. So it's always important to be firm on your deal breakers.
It's exciting to meet someone that you're completely drawn to in so many different ways. But having an intense connection doesn't guarantee a happily ever after. You still have to put in the effort to maintain a long-lasting relationship. If you notice any of these signs, you may need to ask yourself whether your partner really is the right one for you.