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Now Is The Time To Step Up Your Phone Sex Game

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The Bold Type
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Social distancing isn't easy — especially if you're socially distant from your partner. You're now effectively in a long-distance relationship, and what LDRs really need, especially if you want to keep the sexual intimacy part going strong, is adequate amounts of phone sex. At first, the idea of phone sex, especially if it’s never crossed your mind, can feel silly. Knowing what to say during phone sex may not come naturally. And if you envision yourself alone on the couch talking dirty to your partner on the phone, with your hand down your undies, and the glow of the television being the only light in the room, then you’re envisioning it completely wrong.

Thanks to things like FaceTime, phone sex isn’t exactly what it used to be. But Carol Queen, Ph.D., author and staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, tells Bustle that there are added benefits to old-school phone sex, too. "Phone sex is intimate in a different way than in-person or video calling because you can't see each other," she says. "Your vocalizations and the language and topics you choose carry the weight. It's an extremely versatile kind of erotic play because it can involve this kind of power play-and-kink aspect, or just be a way to riff on fantasies or good times you've had when you were in the same bed."

If you can’t physically get it on with your partner, keep that sexual bond alive through the power of words — really, really dirty words.

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1. Find A Good Time For Phone Sex That Works For Both Of You

The last thing either one of you want is a roommate walking in or being interrupted by your mom’s nightly 9:00 p.m. call, so you basically want to make a date. Decide on a time for your dirty talking date, and agree that you won’t let whatever myriad of texts or calls that might come in interrupt what you’re doing. You both need to be completely focused and present. According to Queen, talking about phone sex beforehand and sending a calendar invite can help you be more comfortable. "You can also plan to do it when you're both feeling frisky and have enough privacy," she says.

2. Prepare Your Technology During Phone Sex

Whether you’re using your phone, your computer, or whatever other device that you think is best, make sure it’s charged. The last thing you want is to be mid-orgasm and get a notification that you only have 10 percent battery left on your phone. Make sure that all digital distractions, such as the TV or computer, are adding to the experience and not creating more distance. As Dr. Carolina Pataky, sex therapist and co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute, tells Bustle, "You need to be in a space where creativity and imagination are optimal."

3. Have A Phone Sex Script Prepared

Reading off a script may not sound all that sexy, but it can help to calm your nerves if you have them prepared. "Sometimes, we need a little safety net to get us over the hump of feeling uncomfortable," Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and SKYN Condoms Sex & Intimacy Expert, tells Bustle. "If you get tongue-tied, you have some material you can use." Take some time to write out your greatest fantasies and keep them in a place that's accessible. If you're having trouble getting started, pull inspiration from your favorite movie sex scenes and go from there.

4. Use Your Dirtiest Words During Phone Sex

Phone sex is all about the words you choose to use. A few choice phrases can make a big impact. According to Queen, it's important to determine what kind of language you're comfortable with and find erotic. Use terminology that will make you and your partner feel sexy. If “vagina” makes you feel like you’re at the gynecologist, try "p*ssy” instead. If discussing your partner’s “throbbing penis” isn’t doing it for you, then opt for something with a little more BDE. As Queen says, "This is supposed to be fun and sexy, not clinical."

5. Have An Actual Phone Sex Conversation

While it’s great to tell your partner all the things you want to do to them, phone sex should be a back and forth. You give a little, then you get a little. Take turns arousing each other with dirty words by asking questions and keeping a good flow between you and your partner. For example, you can mention a sexy scenario and ask your partner what they would want to do next. According to Queen, this can build up the desire to actually act on said scenario the next time you're together in person.

6. Touch Yourself And Give Your Partner The Details

You may be a total pro at pleasuring yourself, but when you're having phone sex, it's important to remember that it's not just about you. "Unlike real sex, where moaning and grunts may just be enough, phone sex needs real communication," Pataky says. When you start masturbating, tell your partner that you are doing it in exact detail. What are you rubbing? Where are you putting your fingers? Be detailed. Tell them exactly how you’re touching yourself and ask them to describe how they’re touching themselves.

7. Use Visuals While Having Phone Sex

There’s nothing quite like having phone sex and getting to see your partner’s face. If FaceTime seems a little too intense the first time around, then go the selfie route by sending them photos of what you're doing in between all that dirty talking. "Learn to have fun and share a hot experience," Pataky says. "Even if it’s just one partner at a time, one body part, or just a face on the screen, that’s OK. We’re learning how to be with ourselves and share a part of ourselves."

8. Don’t Be Afraid To Orgasm (And Be Vocal About It)

Although the point of phone sex is to keep the sexual aspect of your relationship alive, it doesn’t mean it has to end in an orgasm. But if you feel an orgasm coming on, embrace it, and be really vocal about it. If you’re not using FaceTime, your partner isn’t going to know you’re coming unless you really turn up the moaning or explicitly say, "I'm coming!" There’s nothing wrong with being a bit more dramatic than usual when you orgasm during phone sex because you want to make sure your partner knows that you're having one hell of a good time.

9. There's No Right Or Wrong Way To Have Phone Sex

It can be easy to overthink the entire experience, especially if you're a novice, but there's no need to. "When it comes to phone sex, don't be afraid to get weird with your partner," Engle says. "Make sure they're consenting to this before you get started, and then both of you should really just go for it." This is about you and your partner. As long as you're both experiencing pleasure, you're getting it on in the right way. Happy dialing!

Experts:

Carol Queen, PhD, author and staff sexologist for Good Vibrations

Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and SKYN Condoms Sex & Intimacy Expert

Dr. Carolina Pataky, sex therapist and co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute

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