How To Have Better Phone Sex, Because Yes, Even Sarcastic Women Can Enjoy It

Once upon a time, I dated a guy who traveled a lot for work. To satisfy our raging libidos, he suggested phone (or Skype to be more precise) sex. I wasn’t sure what to expect or what to say during phone sex, but I went along with it because YOLO. Bad idea. He went into detail about all the things he wanted to do to me (which I cannot post here for fear of being too embarrassed to leave the house if I do). Suffice it to say, it was grade-A level erotica. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would have made E.L. James blush.

But much to his dismay, I just started laughing. Because I have the maturity level of a 10-year-old. For all its hype phone sex can feel as sexy as a Chippendale dancer. More smaltzy than sexy. I struggled to come up with a response. "I want to squirt cheez whiz all over you and lick it off"? "I want to play with your balls”? So far, not so good.

I just liked to do it! I didn't really want to sit around talking about it. If I really needed to get off, I reasoned there’s always a vibrator handy. But I felt bad for making him inadvertently feel embarrassed. So what’s a sarcastic gal like myself to do? Well I am no sexpert, but I am really good at Googling. And thanks to Google I found how someone such as myself could get into phone sex and really enjoy it without laughing like a hyena. I’ve put together all this information in a handy guide so all you sarcastic ladies can enjoy phone sex too. Let’s begin, shall we?

1. Get in the mood.

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I suppose this should be super obvious, but alas it was not. You gots to get your juice flowing before you start the chit chat. So before you even pick up that phone, get yourself in the mood. Read some erotica, daydream, or just watch Magic Mike. Feeling frisky will make it much harder to erupt into a fit of giggles when it comes time to talk to your paramour.

2. Drink some vino.

If you’re down to drink, trust me a little alcohol goes a long way. Wine will lower your inhibitions, making it much easier to engage in sexy talk without feeling like a cheese ball. Alcohol in this case is your friend. You could drink anything I suppose, but wine certainly feels sexier and more appropriate for phone sex that slamming shots of tequila. After all you want to be sexy, not sloppy.

3. Strip.

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Now that you’re all sauced up, take off your clothes. Or take them off while he/she is watching. It’s hard for even the most sarcastic of sarcastic biyatches to not feel sexy when they’re stark naked. I’ve noticed stripping does one very important thing; it makes the other person instantly start foaming at the mouth. OK not literally, but you get my drift. When you see your partner’s eyes light up at your butt naked ass it definitely makes you feel more sexy and less funny. Nothing like a little positive reinforcement! If it works for puppies it can work for you too.

4. Let your partner talk first.

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So do you see where I’m going with this? I’m trying to get you guys hornier than 2 Live Crew. So by the time it’s for actual phone sex you’re so excited you won’t be able to crack a joke. See how I tricked you? It’s like hiding medicine in peanut butter for a 5-year-old. Allowing your partner to go first takes some of the presh off. Have them guide you, telling you what to do and how to do it. You can even bring some toys to get the party started. Think of it as performance art.

5. Your turn.

By this point you should be friskier than a 12-year-old boy. You should be rearing to go! I have led you to the water and now it’s time for you to drink. And if you’re not feeling a fire in your panties, well then God help you. Let your imagination run wild! As we used to say in cheerleading, “this is your time to shine”. Keeping in mind what your partner would like, telling them what you would like to do and how turned on you are. And if all else fails channel your inner Jenna Jameson/Sofia Vergara/Beyonce/Scarlett Johannsen.

Images: Joey Newcombe/Flickr; Giphy (6)