How To Tell If Your Partner Is The Wrong Person At The Right Time
If you're looking forward to being in a relationship that lasts, timing is everything. For instance, you could meet your soulmate or your perfect match tomorrow. But if they just got out of a serious relationship or they're about to move across the country to start a new job, you may have to overcome some serious challenges before you get the happily ever after that you want. But timing isn't just about being with the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes, you can even be with the wrong person at the right time.
"Timing is crucial," Jenna Birch, CEO of Plum dating app and author of The Love Gap, tells Bustle. "You need to have an open heart to be in a serious relationship." That means being in the right headspace and having time to invest in someone else’s life. But if you’re preoccupied with other things like work, friends, travel, family, a breakup, or anything else, it’s hard to fall in love at all.
Being with the wrong person at the right time means that you're fully ready to be in a great relationship, but you're choosing to be with someone who you're not really compatible with. The connection just feels off.
"If you’re really ready for a relationship, you’re perhaps more prone to choosing the wrong person because you're ready to chose someone and fall in love," Birch says. That's why it's important to be decisive early on when you feel like it's not really a great fit. "The longer you date someone not right for you, the more likely you are to become attached or comfortable," she says.
So here are some signs that your partner is the really just the wrong person at the right time, according to experts.
1. You Like The Idea Of Being With Them More Than The Reality
When you're in a relationship with the wrong person at the right time, marriage and family therapist, Virginia Williamson, LMFT, tells Bustle, you may feel more excited about getting to do typical "relationship things" like going on dates than the actual person you're doing it with. In other words, you may like your partner enough, but you like the idea of being in a relationship way more.
2. You're Scared Of Rocking The Boat In Any Way
When you're ready for a relationship but your partner doesn't quite live up to your ideal, you'll find yourself compromising a lot. According to Williamson, you may ignore or minimize things in the relationship for fear of rocking the boat or "upsetting the course." You may even make excuses for their poor behavior or laugh off hurtful things they say or do. If this is the case, you may feel that trying to make a relationship work is much better than being single and having to date again.
3. You're Hoping They'll Change Their Mind About Things That Are Important To You
"You have to think about what the wrong person means; you’re not a good fit," Birch says. "Compatibility is crucial when it comes to a relationship’s survival." So if you're not on the same page when it comes to long-term goals, lifestyle goals, or even how you like to spend your time, you may need to think about whether this is really the right relationship for you. There are some things you can't force in a relationship. You can try, but you can't expect to change someone's mind about their long-term goals or how they live their life.
4. You Keep Comparing Your Current Relationship To Past Ones
There's nothing wrong with thinking about an ex every now and then. But if you find yourself constantly comparing your relationship to the past or if you can honestly say that you've been more in love with past partners, Birch says, you're with the wrong one. If this is the case, you need to think about why you keep making these comparisons. What's lacking in your relationship now? "If the relationship continues when it’s just not clicking, or you realize you’re just not falling hard enough, you’re unlikely to be happy if you stay together long-term," she says.
5. You Sometimes Have To Convince Yourself That This Is The Relationship You Want
If you need to tell yourself that "the grass isn't always greener" or that "no one ever gets exactly what they're looking for," Williamson says, you're partner may be the wrong person. You don't need to wait for someone who checks every little must-have on your list. For instance, things like hair color or height are totally negotiable. But you should pay attention to non-negotiable traits like shared values or how someone treats you or makes you feel. If your relationship makes you more miserable than happy, you may not be with the right one.
6. You've Thought About What It Would Be Like If You Broke Up
Your partner may be very invested in the relationship. But if you imagine breaking up tomorrow and you know you'd be completely fine, Birch says, they may not be the right one for you. According to her, it's better to keep dating around to find someone you're truly excited about it no matter how long it takes, than to be in a relationship with someone you're not crazy about.
7. You're Not Sure If You're Actually In Love With Your Partner
You may be ready for something serious and your partner may want that too. But if you're second guessing yourself and regularly wondering how you really feel about your partner, Williamson says, it may not last very long. When you're the with the right person, you'll just know.
When you're ready for a relationship, it's easy to get impatient. But good things may take some time. If you're ready for a relationship that lasts, your choice of partner is super important. You shouldn't feel the need to force compatibility or connection. If you can learn to let the wrong ones go, it will be much easier for you to let the right one in.