Kristen Confronts Tom Schwartz On 'Vanderpump Rules' & It's As Intense As A Snake In A Box Of Donuts
Nicole Weingart/Bravo

And the Vanderpump Rules Season 3 conflict we thought was as good as gone has come back with a vengeance. On Monday’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills offshoot, the Sexy Unique Pumpers’ bachelor/bachelorette excursion to New Orleans took a turn that was as chilling as a reptile in a box of donuts. And it was all because Tom Schwartz cheated on Katie in Vegas years ago.

Understandably, Schwartz’s Las Vegas indiscretion (which henceforth shall be known as The Vegas Indiscretion) continues to be a sore subject for Katie, but I guess I didn't realize it was still the gnarled, mangled root of their relationship problems? I mean, I got that it was a thing, but I didn't get that it was A Thing. Like Stassi, I did not know The Vegas Indiscretion was the reason why Schwartz and Katie couldn’t look at each other without shooting fire daggers with their eyes. And like Stassi, I was happy to finally be clued in.

After an evening out in drag, Schwartz and his groomsmen met up with Katie and the bridesmaids in the hotel lobby. Invigorated by the ghost tour she and the other bridesmaids just went on, Kristen decided to pull an inebriated, costumed Schwartz aside and ask him point blank about The Vegas Indiscretion. I will not for a second pretend to understand why Kristen thought this was the best time to bring up the The Vegas Indiscretion. (Oh, wait. On second thought, I bet I could guess why she brought up The Vegas Indiscretion. I think it’s safe to say Kristen is really good at reality TV. And I am so grateful for her work.) But hey, she brought it up, and surprise! It went about as well as the ring on the string.

Schwartz insisted he never slept with the woman in Vegas; it was nothing more than a drunken makeout. Kristen didn't believe Schwartz, and added that the alleged transgression is the source of his relationship trouble. Adamant that whatever happened in Sin City was not actually the root of their relationship trouble, Schwartz said he and Katie had issues long before The Vegas Indiscretion.

And then, Schwartz told Kristen to "go take four deep breaths," called Kristen a “basic b*tch,” staggered over to the hotel lobby elevator, and yelled about Kristen some more. Sandoval, Kristen, and Carter attempted to mitigate the situation, but instead it spiraled into Kristen, Sandoval, and Schwartz hurling accusations at each other. Oh, to be a drunk fly on the wall of that lobby.

When the elevator finally arrived, Schwartz invited Sandoval and Carter to join him, but banished Kristen from the car. The second the doors closed, Schwartz called Kristen some more names, Carter asked Schwartz to not call his girlfriend names, the Toms screamed about Kristen and at Carter, and there was some talk about growing up and not growing up.

After telling Katie that Kristen was “way out of line,” Schwartz shuffled over to Ariana and Sandoval’s room (er, I think it was Ariana and Sandoval’s room?) and vented about his relationship. Schwartz, still in his hairnet and shapewear, told his friends he didn’t want to marry his fiancée anymore. And with that, the episode was over.

I taped my reaction to the cliffhanger. Here's me seconds after the episode ended:

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The fight was rough, but there was one diamond: At one point, Carter looked at the bewigged Sandoval and said, “You grew up and you became Sia.” Bless this show and everything it gives us.