Nick Viall's 'Bachelor'-Themed 'Dancing With The Stars' Performance Shows That He. Just. Won't. Let. It. Go
Eric McCandless/ABC

If you’re a long-standing Dancing With The Stars watcher like I am, you know that during every season, the show does an episode in which the contestants dance a song that represents the most important and memorable year of his or her life. It could be the year he or she hit it big; the year he or she got married; or the year he or she ate his or her very first fruit snack. It doesn’t matter — it just has to be important. Bachelor Nation recurring character Nick Viall danced to his most memorable year on Dancing With The Stars, and guess what year it was? 2016! Why? Because that’s the year that he finally met the love of his life.

Firstly, Nick — 2016 was like three weeks ago. I have underwear older than your relationship. While I understand Nick’s propensity to remind us that being on The Bachelor four times works (it does so far, but remember the thing I said about my underwear?), I would think that he would pick a different year. Maybe one that I couldn’t reach back into my calendar and recount what I had for lunch, you know? Nick’s rumba with partner Peta Murgatroyd was his best dance yet, and it was (of course) Bachelor based — Peta battled other dancers for a place to dance with only Nick, and then they passionately rumbaed across the floor or something. I don’t know. I’m so tired. Then, at the end, Nick grabbed a waiting Vanessa (his IRL fiancé and Bachelor “winner”), lifted her up, and planted a big one on her. We get it, Nick. You’re in love, and you met on television. For the love of Chris Harrison, please move to Montreal and let our people go.

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Also making an appearance in the pre-dance video was Nick’s mom, who seems like a delight and whom I want to take far away from this place and the cameras and let her live her happy life with her husband and her 11 children. What will happen to Nick Viall after Dancing With The Stars is over and his relationship is no longer of public interest (though I would argue that interest is already pretty low)? Will his men’s grooming project be successful? Will he appear on a reboot of Skating With Celebrities? Only time and Bruno Tonioli will tell.