Quarantine Pro Tip: Get Yourself A Lesbian

Courtesy of Netflix

Welcome to the apocalypse! We’ve been training for this: doomsday prepping, absorbing YA disaster series as if they’re real life, staying in every night while our friends go out, U-Hauling with our new significant other… What I’m describing here is a lesbian, folx. We, as in lesbians, have been training for this. And now that cuffing season has officially turned to lockdown season, this is the time to get yourself a lesbian of your own.

If you’re reading this, you’re likely under quarantine, or at absolute least social distancing (and if you’re not, f*ck you, you’re going to kill us all). Coronavirus is here. It’s closed our borders, our restaurants, our bars. Many 9-5 workers are being asked to work from home. All of this is to say queer women have taken a collective sigh of relief: Isolating is an intrinsic part of the queer experience. You’ve probably heard jokes about queer female couples staying in at night and U-Hauling — the phenomenon in which new lesbian couples get so attached so quickly that they shack up together after the first date. This is what we do. This is where we thrive. Welcome to our culture. I’m actually encouraging you to appropriate it as a means of public safety. For your own good: Get a lesbian, now.

This may seem like a pyramid-scheme-like sales pitch, but it’s actually more of a surgeon general warning: If you want to survive this pandemic, invite a queer woman into your home and let her do her thing. She’ll know what to do. All you have to do is emotionally support her in return. Here’s what getting a lesbian during the apocalypse can do for you:

MacGyvering

Ever heard of a lumberjack lesbian? Now is the time for us to lean into the stereotypes about our people: We are a fuel-efficient, hybrid-driving, roll up your sleeves, flannel-wearing, wood-chopping, elbow-greasing, hunting, gathering, rub some dirt in it, rip that thing out of your lighter with our teeth and build a fire type of people. Your toilet broke and you can’t call a plumber? No problem — you got dental floss? Your lesbian will rig your pipes. Do you need a table built? Don’t even worry about it — your lesbian waited till nightfall and walked barefoot through the streets collecting wood scraps until sunrise. It was no problem — whatever we don’t use can go in the fireplace, babe. (I hacksawed a hole in your wall and built a chimney while you were asleep, hope that’s cool.)

Give You Books

Every queer woman waits a lifetime to be able to gift her favorite books to her partner. It’s our love language. Need fiction recommendations? Tight. Here’s every Pulitzer fiction winner since the ’80s. Have you read Three Women? Have you read any Patti Smith? Have you read The Price of Salt, the book that Carol is based on? Do you want to cuddle and read and my cat can sit between us? Wait, you haven’t read Jane Eyre? *dumps a truckload of books onto your lawn*

Also, we like to recommend things in general. Need movie suggestions? Here are the 100 best lesbian movies ranked and indexed based on yearning and eye contact. Here are 40 must-see Rosalía music videos. Here are TV shows I like solely because a 40- to 50-year-old actress is in it. Have you seen The Outsider? Oh, Julianne Nicholson is great in it. Have you seen the paparazzi photos of her holding hands with Julia Roberts? Should I stop talking? Are you still awake?

Emotional Support

Are you horny and alone? Do you want someone soft and nice, who smells good and washes their face with actual facewash to hold on to? Boy, have I got the thing just for you: a lesbian. Like I said, this is a great time to wear our stereotypes on our sleeves: We are clingy people. If given permission, we will stick to you like a barnacle on a pier. Let us hold and comfort you through the absolute mental health shitstorm that comes with enduring a global crisis. Your lesbian will bring blankets and her fluffiest pillow, a dozen or so self-help books, her favorite meditation app, vegan tissues, bath bombs, and an open communication channel. Need to process? Sweet. Let’s do it for two weeks straight without interruptions. Our tolerance for trauma is way up there. We can take it. Lay it on me.

Hoarding

Nothing goes better with worldwide panic than hoarding. Your lesbian can help you cobble together meals out of old cans in the back of your pantry. You didn’t even know you had that? No problem. Tomato paste can go in almost anything. Plus, I brought a wagon of supplies you didn’t know you needed. What do we have here… Plant-based milks and cheeses, nonperishables, coffee beans and my Chemex for pour-over, New York Times crossword books, batteries, loofahs, candelabras (not needed, but not not needed), a humidifier, essential oils and a diffuser, a weighted blanket, a paper bag to heave into, hers and hers mugs, poems, a dozen extremely comfy sports sweatshirts (and long sleeved t-shirts and sweatpants) from the ’90s…

Sex Toys

I mean, c’mon. Your lesbian’s got you covered.

If you think you’re showing symptoms of coronavirus, which include fever, shortness of breath, and cough, call your doctor before going to get tested. If you’re anxious about the virus’s spread in your community, visit the CDC or NHS 111 in the UK for up-to-date information and resources, or seek out mental health support. You can find all Bustle’s coverage of coronavirus here, and UK-specific updates on coronavirus here.