If you ever have some time to spare (or, let's be real, have no time to spare but feel like wasting some anyway), reading product reviews is always an entertaining way to spend it. This is doubly true if you're reading sex toy reviews. Sex toys are already inherently comical, given all the things that can go wrong with them. Give them to some snarky reviewers, and be prepared to piss your pants.
A rep from the sex toy retailer Lovehoney tells Bustle that Lovehoney has the biggest database of sex toy reviews on the whole Internet, with over 200,000. Its staff members must be so entertained. Half its reviewers are ages 25-34, and they're surprisingly gender-balanced: six in 10 are women. Men write the most reviews in January, while women do in February, leading to the impression that people are eager to share their opinions on their holiday presents. The most frequently reviewed product on the site is the BASICS Slimline Butt Plug. Apparently, people have some strong opinions about anal stimulation (including but not limited to "way better than my other small plugs" and "it's absolutely not terrifying to look at").
But that's not even the best of it. Here are the most outrageous reviews the site has to offer. The next time you want to waste some time you don't have reading ridiculous reviews, you can thank me for these.
1A Time-Consuming Investment
“Let me tell you, I have wasted two full days on this toy and I regret nothing.”
“The We-Vibe was still at full throttle and working on a (by now) highly sensitive clitoris. GF was begging me to stop it, people were noticing, there was still nothing I could do. I tried the button again to no effect. "You're gonna have to take it out" I said. And with that, GF arched back in her chair, slipped her hand down the front of her jeans and extracted the device. Unfortunately, as she extracted it, it was, er, slippery. She tried to surreptitiously pass it to me across the table (remember, it was still buzzing, albeit quietly) but somehow it snagged the top of my pint glass as she handed it over and it slipped out of her fingers and plopped into my beer. Now, the We-Vibe is very quiet in normal use. However, when submerged on full power in a glass of beer, it emits a sound not unlike that of a hornet’s nest. Also, our one is the bright magenta one.”
3A Powerful Thrust
“The suction on this toy is very strong. I was cleaning my toys after use and decided that while I cleaned my other toys, I would place this one on the rectangular tank on the back of my toilet to dry. Two minutes later, forgetting this toy was a suction cup, I grabbed it to put it away and actually pulled the whole lid off at the same time. Then had to stand there trying to pull my dildo off and at the same time balance the lid without it smashing, while my mom was hammering on the door asking if I was OK and what was the noise all about.”
5Hungry For More
“Yeah, it's a pretty good product, high-quality and everything. But the picture is a bit deceiving. The bloody thing couldn't open my Fray Bentos pie tin, so I still haven't had any dinner. Ended up eating the strawberry lube I purchased instead. But in the end, it matches my kitchen and fits easily in the cutlery drawer.”
These reviews may not exactly tell you whether these products are for you, but they do provide a valuable warning not to mix them with beer, toilets, or pie tins.