Sex Toy Horror Stories That Prove You Can't Actually Die Of Embarrassment
Our sex toys do a lot of great things for us, like teach us about our bodies and partners. But they can also be the source of some of our most embarrassing moments. If you've ever been scared you could die of embarrassment, some of the sex toy horror stories people have lived through really prove you can survive anything.
Don't get me wrong: having a sex drive and exploring different ways of satisfying it should not be shameful. I hope to one day live in a world where we behave as nonchalantly upon finding someone's vibrator someone's vibrator as we would upon finding their toothbrush. But the fact is that society does enforce shame around sex, and many people feel it — leading to some humiliating but hilarious moments when our private lives become public. Then there are those situations that are objectively awful for very physical reasons. You'll see what I mean.
The good news is, if you've had a less than pleasurable experience with a sex toy, you're far from alone. From parental discoveries to physical injuries to a surprising number of cat mishaps, here are some of the most hilarious, embarrassing, and terrifying stories people have about their dildos, sex sleeves, cock rings, and more.
1. Cynthia, 73
"After showing [a friend's new significant other] around... we sat down to lunch and were having a pleasant conversation like ordinary people when we suddenly heard a thumping sound... One of the sex toys we sold, and kept samples of on a high shelf out of my daughter's sight and reach, was called the 'Janus double dong.' A two-headed pliable rubber dildo, it was big in both length and thickness, and hefty. One of my cats had apparently jumped up onto the shelf on which we kept it and had knocked it to the floor. Now he was having fun rolling it down the wooden floor of the hallway headed to the kitchen. With every roll it went thump. Thump. Thump. The sight of the cat pushing the double-headed dildo down the hallway with his paw dispelled any illusion we were trying to create that we were just a couple of ordinary people."
2. Anna*, 25
"My ex's parents, who he lived with, found a vibrating cock ring in his dresser. We were out, and it somehow turned on. They could hear it vibrating all the way from downstairs."
3. Carrie, 30
"My then-boyfriend, now husband's evangelical Christian father was helping us move and opened the top drawer of our nightstand to find our lubes. More embarrassing for him than us.
4. Sian, 22
"I left my strap-on in a drawer. The drawer was open while I changed. My cat picked it up and started playing with it under the bed. I didn't realize it until my neighbor came and said my cat was in the parking lot with a dildo."
5. Dave*, 22
"I recently went on VRporn.com to try out my new Oculus with my Fleshlight. Everything was going great! However, I forgot to lock my cat in the other room and since the Oculus takes up all your vision, I wasn’t able to see him come in. I don’t know how long my jerk cat was there for, but like all cats do when they see dangling objects, he took a full swipe at my balls, claws fully extended."
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy