The Bachelor is ridiculous. Let’s just be real here. The Bachelor Winter Games is so much. It’s a show that makes you say, “Why would anyone ever want to do this?” That being said, I will watch every episode of Season 1, and I will watch Season 2 and Season 3 and whatever else ABC chooses to throw at its viewers. That said, The Bachelor Winter Games premiere had ridiculous moments, and we absolutely have to talk about them.
The Bachelor Winter Games isn’t quite Bachelor In Paradise with snow — it’s more along the lines of Bachelor Pad, because you have to win challenges in order to get dates. This is better, because Bachelor In Paradise is mostly just people drinking and lounging around in the sun and crying. And eating pizza, if you’re Josh Murray. The Bachelor Winter Games is bringing the competition back to The Bachelor spinoffs. There is no cash prize, unfortunately, but since all of these people have already been on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette in their home countries, I think it’s prize enough that they are on television and extending their 15 minutes of fame. Also joining the contestants in The Bachelor Winter Games are a bearded Chris Harrison and ESPN’s Hannah Storm, who comment on everything from smooching to sports. That is ridiculous in itself, but don’t worry — there were even more ridiculous moments from the premiere of The Bachelor Winter Games. Probably too many to count. But I tried.
Dean Choosing Between Spaghetti & Ramen
In his opening interview, Dean talks about his time in Paradise and how he was a jerk and now he’s ready to make some big decisions. That decision is whether he wants to eat ramen or eat spaghetti. Is this some sort of commentary on how boring he is? They’re the same thing, Dean. (He chooses spaghetti.)
Ashley I. Skiing On Dirt
Ashley is so psyched for The Bachelor Winter Games that she is practicing skiing already! In Runyon Canyon! In Los Angeles! Hint — there’s no snow there, but Ashley is determined to make it work anyway. I’m so tired, you guys.
Yes, there is an anthem. According to Bachelor producer Bennett Graebner, "The anthem came about because we thought to ourselves, well, we really need some kind of anthem, some kind of song, that commemorates the beginning of these games.” You don’t say? No offense to singer Fionnuala Cree, because she sounded lovely, but this was not something the world needs to hear again.
Ally’s Sloth Tattoo
New Zealand native Ally has a tattoo of a sloth on her rear end. This was presented to us without comment by Hannah Storm, so I will also present it without comment.
Santa Was There
Why did Santa show up during the parade? Why don’t they (seemingly) have a translator for Yuki? Why does Ally call her tailbone her “bum bone”? There are so many questions and so little time, even in the premiere.
The Bachelor Lantern
The Olympics have the torch. The Bachelor Winter Games have an obscure lantern, carried in by Trista and Ryan, that Chris Harrison said was a part of the original Bachelor mansion. Can anyone crosscheck this? How do we know it’s really the lantern?
Eliminating Someone You Don't Know In The Rose Ceremony
This isn't ridiculous, but it's really unexpected for the show — contestants were told in the rose ceremony to vote for someone they thought wasn't there for the ubiquitous "right reasons," but they have only known each other for like 14 hours, so how could you know? Everyone is in jeopardy because no one is here to find love. They are (probably) there to find Instagram sponsors.
The Bachelor Winter Games is off to a good start, mostly because it is making viewers suspend belief as to how sane people would act in this sort of situation. But hey — that's what The Bachelor is for! Pure entertainment (and a little bit of schadenfreude). Can't wait for Episode 2.