I have long had mixed feelings about horoscopes. Though, obviously, it's great to read that love/money/good luck is on the way — or, conversely, to get some sign from the stars explaining why everything's temporarily going down the toilet — I'm a little too cynical for the upbeat messaging. The world is a harrowing place full of illness, death, and multiple seasons of Vanderpump Rules, and cheery fortunes don't seem reasonable in this day and age. Enter, then, "Sorrow-scopes," a Twitter account dedicated to telling every astrological sign that everything is terrible. Bless you for reading my mind, internet, for you too know the universe is nothing but dark matter and suffering.
As reported by HelloGiggles, Sorrow-scopes (@sorrowscopes) won't shy away from bringing you bad news about your birth sign. For instance, a recent tweet went after Leos: "Leo: They’ll tweak the flavor of your favorite soda. This might not sound like a big deal, but it will make you question everything about your reality. It will DESTROY you." Capricorns got a dose of topical humor: "Capricorn: The cure for what ails you won't be covered by your health insurance." And even my sign, Virgo, wasn't spared attack: "MoreVirgo: This week you will finally shake your irrational fear of guinea pigs in favor of a completely rational one." I anxiously await my impending dismemberment-by-rodent.
Viktor Winetrout, who runs Sorrow-scopes, told HelloGiggles he considers the Twitter account to be "a pessimistic and sometimes insulting twist on astrology." Winetrout added, "It’s all in fun, of course, but we tend to joke about the darker aspects of life. Our followers are very engaged, and write great replies. That interaction is one of my favorite things about the account."
Though Winetrout heads Sorrow-scopes, the dark fortunes are actually dreamed up by a team of writers, all of whom you can find in Sorrow-scopes "Following" tab on Twitter. "Each batch of sorrowscopes features 12 different writers," Winetrout said. "I post (and write some of) the submissions, but I don’t think of myself as running it. There are a bunch of people involved."
Included among Winetrout's contributors, according to Twitter, are Brian Doyle, Annie Hatfield, and Elizabeth Hamilton Argyropoulos, all of whom have leant their hysterical voices to the account. Not sure which one wrote, "Taurus: Love is in the air this week and you will soon find it suffocating," but whomever it is deserves an award.
"We’ve invited an equal mixture of men and women to write for us, but for whatever reason, a higher percentage of men have chosen to participate," Winetrout told HelloGiggles. "A lot of our best writers are women, so I hope that changes. We’re working on it."
I'm sure everyone reads their sorrowscope and feels personally victimized, but here are some Virgo readings that ring way too true.
KNEW IT. My friends can divide my nail polish collection amongst themselves.
Thanks a lot, guys. As if this giant zit on my forehead wasn't making me feel self-conscious enough today.
UGH I ALWAYS CHOOSE SIX, GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I exclusively eat tuna and salmon and alas, now I am dead.
She talked back to me and now she is under the stairs.
I KNEW IT FELL IN THE TOILET.
September (and the end of August, sorry August Virgos!) might be a popular birth month, but it dooms you straight to hell. On the other hand, it looks like things are much rougher for the Geminis out there:
None of us is safe from the wrath of the Sorrow-scope, not even the blessed Twins.