These Are Supposedly The Naughtiest Children's Names

by Madeleine Aggeler

Recently, the stationary website School Stickers released a list of the top 10 naughtiest boys and girls names, based on how many rewards stickers were ordered for each name — the names with the fewest reward stickers were deemed naughtiest. Laura, Eleanor, and Daisy topped the list of misbehaving girls, and Adam, Joseph, and Charlie were the most troublesome boys.

The website also ranked the nicest names, those who got the most rewards stickers. These were Chloe, Emily, and Sophie for girls, and Jack, Daniel, and Joshua for boys.

This list is problematic for a number of reasons. Not because its data is sticker-based — if anything, stickers are a woefully underused metric — but because there is NO WAY it can be accurate.

Let’s look at the girls first. I refuse to believe Daisy is a top three classroom criminal. Have you SEEN Daisy Ridley? Daisy is a ray of sunshine in human form. Daisy was named after a flower because no other name could capture her delicate purity. Daisy does her homework, helps out the new kid, and is friendly with the teacher but not in an annoying, teacher’s pet way. Daisy is knee-deep in reward stickers, I can tell you that much.

On the boys’ side, Ben is supposedly fifth naughtiest, which can’t possibly be true, because everyone knows Bens are sweet and kind and funny but in a gentle way. Bens are like, tall and broad but don’t know their own strength. They can lift you over their shoulder but also read you poetry and they may or may not work as a farm hand and one night you're both hanging out in the barn and he wipes an eyelash off your face and leans in and — I digress.

There is one other obvious, glaring problem with this list: WHERE IS KEVIN?

Kevins are the number one troublemaker. If you or your loved on is a Kevin, I’m sorry, I really am. I know the choice was out of your hands. Maybe look into a more neutral, less controversial name, like, Steve, Andre, or Paula.

There were two boys in my first grade class named Kevin. One was tall and quiet, and the other was small and loud. They always hung out together, and they teased me mercilessly. Tall Kevin would pants me and Small Kevin would do a crude imitation of me and it was then I decided, yanking my skort up from around my ankles, that I was done with Kevins. Years later, when I broke up with a Kevin, I sobbed to my mother “I should have KNOWN. None of this would have happened if I had just AVOIDED ALL KEVINS.”

School Sticker’s list is obviously tongue-in-cheek (it is also worth noting that while many outlets have reported on the list, it does not appear to be up on School Sticker's website), but even so, I don’t think Daisies or Bens deserve to occupy space on a naughty list that should clearly be reserved for Kevin. Here are the lists below, see what you think.

Top 10 naughtiest girls:

1. Laura

2. Eleanor

3. Daisy

4. Anna

5. Ruby

6. Isabelle

7. Elizabeth

8. Alice

9. Georgia

10. Jasmine

Top 10 naughtiest boys:

1. Adam

2. Joseph

3. Charlie

4. Callum

5. Ben

6. Jacob

7. Matthew

8. Ryan

9. Ethan

10. Oliver

Top 10 nicest girls:

1. Chloe

2. Emily

3. Sophie

4. Jessica

5. Megan

6. Lucy

7. Hannah

8. Amy

9. Lauren

10. Katie

Top 10 nicest boys:

1. Jack

2. Daniel

3. Joshua

4. Harry

5. James

6. Thomas

7. Samuel

8. Luke

9. William

10. Benjamin

Just remember, Millennial parents — choose your names wisely!