These Skull-Shaped Ceramic Fire Logs Are Almost As Scary As Being On Twitter In 2017
Well, y'all, it may be lights out for Game of Thrones for the next year or two, but that doesn't mean you can't incorporate your passion for the horror of unflinching, medieval violence and Ramsey-level home decor into your regular human existence on the daily. Enter these skull-shaped ceramic fire logs, a totally normal, not at all mentally scarring purchase you can now make on Amazon Prime. The best/worst part is that they're available just in time for Halloween, so you can burn these eerily accurate metaphors for your enemies and be thematically on point.
Let's be honest, your neighbors were overdue for a game of "Haha, Honey, Are The New Neighbors Edgy Hipsters With A Touch Of Bloodlust, Or Is This Dexter In Real Life?" Now they can play it and then some when you march out to the backyard with these fireproof, ceramic fire pit skulls, available in four different colors and in packages of one, three, or (if you're really leaning into the murder vibes) five. The fear you inspire in your guests and neighbors is conveniently eternal, since the skulls — while super spooky looking in the flames — are designed so that they don't actually burn, so you can bury them under the actual kindling until the fire winds down and terrify a new group of people every year! (Side note: am I going to be a terrible parent one day?)
"This was the most awesome Father's Day gift ever. I didn't know what to get for the man that already has everything. The obvious choice was a skull for the fire," writes one reviewer.
"HA, Love Love Love it !!!" wrote another reviewer. "I ordered this for my sister last year, bad timing due to a passing in the family of Pops, it sat delivered at her door for a few days due to the funeral, when she opened the package, she screamed shocked how heavy & fine detailed this skull is & yeah she named it after Pops !!!!!! Best gift ever just bad timing on my end to mail a skull !!!!"
"Oh no, OH YES, OH no, oh no, oh no," said a Bustle coworker whose privacy I will protect only because she immediately ordered one and it's for a ~gift~.
(Ugh, don't you hate it when all your exes get together and gossip about you? Rude.)
The skulls retail for $69.95 each on Amazon, which is admittedly a little steep, but much like the skull in your head, these skulls are forever. It's practically an investment in leaning into your future as the Town Witch, a role that I personally plan to mature gracefully into (right now I'm still pretty firmly in my Teen Witch phase, where there's a little more glitter and ill-advised '90s fashion).
Anyway, I think we can all agree that even though this will scare the living daylights out of your friends and might cook your steak medium rare with a side of exorcism, this is ... maybe the least scary thing we've collectively seen in 2017? I mean, we recently just watched half of Twitter fall in love with the murderous clown from It, so we're clearly in an emotionally fragile state as a nation as it is.
If you're still looking to get further #spookt this Halloween, Amazon said that this haunted doll is a related order, so there's yet another way to invite a demon into your home for the low, low price of $19.95.
As for me, I think I'm gonna stick with the good old-fashioned, family friendly ceramic burning skull log. Traditions are important, y'all. As is sending a low key message to the Freys that they're on your ~list~ in red and underlined.