If you're eating, stop. Not because I need your undivided attention. Mainly because I'm concerned you might vomit. Did you know that poop knives are a thing? I didn't. But I do now. I also know what my nightmares are going to be about for the next few months. If I have to learn about this, so do you.
Let me be clear. Pooping is normal. Natural. Nothing to be ashamed of. But I'm not talking about the mere process of pooping here. Picture it. Reddit. A week ago. One Redditor by the name of LearnedButt gave users detailed background on their family's, *ahem*, rather tenacious turds. Hefty deposits? Extra large loads? Oh hell. His family takes huge dumps. It was a normal thing in their house, then, to have a poop knife, which is exactly what it sounds like, so don't make me explain it. Not only was there a poop knife, but there was no secrecy surrounding the poop knife. It hung on a nail in the laundry room, probably right next to the dirty laundry bag and fabric softener; and anytime someone needed backup, they'd yell for the poop knife.
LearnedButt grew up thinking poop knives are a common household staple, because why wouldn't you have cutlery on standby whenever you need to drop a load? The problem here (actually, one of about 4,529 problems) is LearnedButt didn't wasn't all that learned until he was 22 years old — which was when he finally realized not everyone has a poop knife.
Shout-out to the wife, who had no idea she was using her spouse's deuce cutter to open her Amazon purchases. That's enough to rain on anybody's parade. And let's talk about the "rust" on the knife. Dear, sweet, LearnedButt, we all know that wasn't rust.
LearnedButt has to be the only person on the face of this planet who has to bring a blade to the bathroom every time he audits his ASSets, right? Right??????? Wrong. Many other liked-minded Redditors jumped into the conversation with similar stories of their own, and I'm left wondering about every knife I've ever used in someone else's home.
Then there's this person, who clearly knows the proper way to celebrate moving into a new home.
And let's not forget poor Henry... or maybe it's his brother we should feel sorry for. Personally, I feel the worst for the garden trowel.
Oh hey. By the way. Has anyone ever loaned you their pocket knife? NEVER AGAIN.
Flowers are romantic. Candles are romantic. John Legend is romantic. This? Not so much.
And make no mistake about it, folks: there is an absolute downside to being this high-maintenance and needing a specific tool in hand whenever you back one out. Mark this redditor's words: there will come a day when you blast a dookie and have nothing to chop it up with.
Some people like knives. Some prefer tongs. Other people admitted to having a "poop knife" of sorts in their own household — although some Redditors are more creative than others...
Sushi is ruined for me. But honestly, at this point, I'm mainly just relieved they used something disposable. (You did throw it out afterward, right?)
We're not done yet. Remember back in school, when you were required to use a #2 pencil? I bet you never thought that same pencil could double as a poop poker.
But wait. It gets even better.
That's not the nasty habit in this story, son.
All jokes aside, every family has their own gross habits. If you've got big floaters and they need an assist making it down the toilet, go nuts. But maybe, just maybe, consider informing your loved ones that not everyone slices and dices their baby browns. They'll thank you for it later.