Look, friends, we gave reality a chance. We read newspapers and paid our taxes and vacuumed, and despite our best efforts to establish order we were plunged into a vortex of mayhem and confusion. Given this, it seems as good a time as any to consciously uncouple from the crushing forces of Earthly realism, and turn our eyes to the heavens.
According to astrologists, your sun sign can determine your strengths and weaknesses, your romantic compatibility, and even what jobs you are best suited for. Your sign can also determine what is most unique about you.
Admittedly, sometimes our signs can seem a little off. As a Scorpio woman, for instance, I supposedly appear “aloof and calm,” but since a solid 30 percent of the texts I send just say “911 EMERGENCY”, I don’t know how accurate that is. I do have a venomous stinger on my butt though, so that checks out.
Still, now seems as good a time as any to submit ourselves to the invisible forces of the solar system, and turn to the stars for answers about who we are, how we should be, and what we should do. As you move forward into your newly celestial life, consider this guide on what is most unique about you according to your sign.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries are confident and strong-minded. You say things like "Let's get it done!" and "Huzzah!" and you're on a first-name basis with your local locksmith because you keep kicking down your front door in a fit of excitement and anticipation. Also your cranium may or may not be 2mm thicker than everyone else's.
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Tauruses are reliable, loyal, and stubborn, which is why you always end up being the one to organize brunch, and why you carry around a well-worn, frequently updated Grudge Book to keep track of those who have dared to disagree with you or worse, question your brunch planning.
And septum piercings look amazing on you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis are the life of the party; fun and sociable, but also a tad flaky. You are, on average, 18 minutes late to everything because you can never decide what to wear, and you are some of the rare people who can pull of the "eccentric and frantic but still fashionable look" (it involves a lot of shawls).
There's a 43 percent chance you had a twin you ate in the womb.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Cancers are tenacious and imaginative, but also have a tendency to be moody and pessimistic. As the mom of the group, you love helping your friends solve their problems, periodically you get frustrated that they can't take care of themselves. But also clearly they can't take care of themselves so maybe it's best to bring along some extra snacks, sweaters, and Band-Aids for them whenever you all go out.
Leo (July 21-August 21)
Leos are ambitious, natural-born leaders, who are also a skootch self-centered. If you organize a birthday party for a friend, you make everyone listen to your new mixtape and the whole night kind of ends up being about you and like, it was a nice gesture but maybe share the spotlight a little bit? You have a very anything-goes attitude towards clothes and your neighbors have probably seen you naked a lot.
Virgo (August 22-September 22)
Oh, Virgos. You're analytical, methodical, hardworking, and also highly judgmental, with a tendency towards snobbery. You correct people's pronunciation of foreign words, and you've gotten really into craft beers. When you get overwhelmed, you spend an hour in The Container Store just walking around, marveling at the order, and you have borderline erotic feelings towards to-do lists.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Soft-spoken Libras are diplomatic and fair-minded, lovers of beautiful things, who can't stand being alone. Unfortunately, since you're so non-confrontational, you are the least likely of all the signs to become a reality TV star. Conversely, you are the sign most likley to use the phrase "Let's hug it out."
Scorpio (October 23-November 22)
Scorpios are cunning and shady. You're basically like if House Lannister was a sun sign. You overuse the verb "plotting" and it's funny-ish but it also puts everyone on edge. Because you're sensual and mysterious, you wear a lot of capes and explode a smoke bomb whenever you enter or exit a room (this costs a lot of money and the clean up is a pain, but it's worth it for the ~mystique~).
Sagittarius (November 23-December 20)
Sagittarius (Sagittarii?) are the adventurers. You're optimistic, energetic, enthusiastic, and the most likely to go zip-lining on a regular basis. You're most-used app is Groupon and you're constantly bringing friends along to try hot yoga, or naked pottery, or silent discos.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
Responsible, disciplined, with heaps of self-control and a tendency to be a bit of a know-it-all, you are the MVP of any Tuesday night trivia team, but bless anyone who tries to question you about whether or not Tbilisi is really the capital of Georgia. You're tough as steel and you actually enjoy working out in the morning, and when you're overwhelmed you shout at yourself in the bathroom mirror to "Pull it together!"
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Aquarius, our favorite, gentle hippie. You're the most open-minded and non-judgmental of the signs, but sometimes you have to escape from the mess of everyone else's energies to re-center yourself. As out-there as you are, you're pretty stubborn in your beliefs, and you've gotten into more than one heated argument about essential oils.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are artistic, wise, and have a penchant for melancholy. Open mic nights are disproportionately populated by Pisces who want to share a song or poem they wrote about their recent breakup. You wear a lot of black, and regularly quote Sartre in every day conversations.