Greetings and welcome to 2018 on the internet: a place where you can see wonders like Disney Princesses as hot dogs, hear magical delights like Vin Diesel Singing ‘Stay’ by Rihanna and now, buy a life-size lollipop of your face. Yes, those were the correct words in the right order. You can use your human dollars to purchase a custom lollipop that looks like your face. What a dumb, perfect time to be alive.
Online retailer Firebox is to thank/blame for this lollipop monstrosity. For just $57.19, the company will create a lollipop personalized to look just like you “or anybody else!” as the website states. The possibilities are as endless as their are people. A lollipop of your mom for Mother’s Day? Sure! A lollipop of President Rutherford B. Hayes on the Fourth of July? How patriotic! A lollipop of the Babadook for...reasons? Why not! “Submit a photo and short description of whoever you want to immortalize in sweet form and our master sugarsmiths will get to work handcrafting their likeness,” reads a description for the handmade lollipops.
“But what will my lollipop face will taste like?” you ask, a question no parent ever imagined their child to ask. According to Firebox, the lollipops feature an “all natural tutti-frutti flavor” and they are entirely vegan. “So,” as the site states, “the only ethical dilemma you need to face is whether or not you feel comfortable repeatedly licking a life-size replica someone else’s head.”
Jury’s still out on that one.
If you’re wondering what you would need a life-size lollipop version of your face for, I have plenty of ideas for you:
- Wedding party favors
- A wedding gift (delicious and sentimental!)
- Making someone else’s birthday party about you
- A kind of sensual gift for a friend
- An inappropriate gift for a loved one
- To scare away birds
- To entice birds?
- For a very specific diet
- As a parting gift when you angrily yell “EAT ME” at someone
- To keep as an emergency snack in a large tote or your car’s glove compartment
- To keep as a coworker when you work from home and are lonely
- To play a Home Alone-type prank on a parent or boss
- So you can finally know what it’s like to kiss yourself I mean what nothing no reason
You could also just get it because it will put every other custom gift to shame. Or, as the product page states, it “makes that personalized keyring look rubbish.”
Depending on where you live, the lollipop could take up to 20 days to manufacture and ship. (Which is a surprisingly short amount of time for a life-sized lollipop face.) Better stock up because wedding season is just around the corner.
The internet is not lack for absurd personalized gifts. You can order couture custom pajamas with your dog’s face all over them. You can buy a pillow with your own face on it. You can even get a suitcase decorated with your face, so you never have to second guess which luggage is yours ever again. If you wanted, essentially every item in your home could feature your face. Or your dog’s face. Or the Timothée Chalamet’s face. Would it be creepy? Of course, but that’s not going to stop you from Google image searching lollipop-worthy pictures of Timothée’s face, is it?
Oh, the actual product name for the lollipop is “Face Licker” but that probably doesn’t help with the creepy factor.
I’m not sure why Firebox chose to trust the people of the internet with the power to put anyone’s face on a life-size lollipop, but I can’t say I’m mad about it. All I can say is, lollipop wisely, my friends.