Thank god Easter is over. No, not because of the awkward family interactions or the overloading on candy so hard that you don't sleep for five days. Because this Easter brought with it an abomination — a sin against everything that is pure and is good. In 2019, we now have personalized chocolate eggs — not with your name on them, not made from your favorite candy. You can get your face on a chocolate egg and I don't think I'll ever sleep again.
The folks over at Firebox, an online gift store filled with the weird, wacky, and (sometimes) wonderful, came up with this hellscape from which we can never escape. Your face, made into a chocolate egg. To be fair, the egg itself looks delicious — and huge — but the process is one that makes my eyes want to run out of their sockets and head for higher ground.
"The Personalized Chocolate Egg is made from rich and tasty single-origin Peruvian chocolate," the website explains. "Unlike most easter eggs (that you can obliterate with a light pinch), thanks to the complex printing process, the chocolate of our egg is a whopping 2cm thick! It's a shame the finished creation looks so damn good — you won't want to eat it!" I mean, I'm not sure the chocolate thickness is really what's going to make someone put their face or the face of someone they claim to care about on an egg, but to each their own. And, to be fair, the tech involved does look pretty cool.
If you're interested, the egg comes in at just over 30 bucks — and you're just two photos away from making this dream/nightmare a reality. "All you need to do is provide us with a high quality front-facing and profile photo and our chocolatiers will take care of the rest," Firebox explains. "The 'rest' being the painstaking process of modeling your face in 3D, grafting it onto a 3D egg, then printing the whole thing with a food-safe chocolate printer." I mean, it does sound like a lot of work — but for what? BUT FOR WHAT!?
As the tech gets more advanced and becomes more available, it's clear that personalization is definitely becoming a THING. We live in a world where you can put your best friend's face on a beach towel, where you can put your face on a custom air freshener, and where you can make a giant-ass lollipop of your actual face — so you can, eat it, I guess. Were we meant to wield this much power, as a species? Almost certainly not. And yet, here we are — wielding away. I was pretty much on board with personalized shampoo and conditioner, but everything after that has just left me stumped.
Easter may have come and gone, but the horror of personalized face eggs can last forever. Whether you start stocking up for next Easter or you just have some friends who deserve to never sleep again, the face Easter egg is here to meet the need that you never had. But it does, indeed, look delicious.