There's tons of advice out there on how to confront your partner about a behavior that bothers you. But what if you follow it all, and you're still angry? Dealing withresentment in relationships is common, even after a problem's "supposed" to be resolved. The right way to deal depends what exactly it's about, but generally, resentment indicates that at least some issue really wasn't resolved after all.
You can put the sources of your anger toward your partner into three categories, Barbara Neitlich, LCSW, author of Stop Dating Like a Teenager, tells Bustle: large injustices (like cheating), medium injustices (like being a bad listener), and small injustices (like forgetting to put away the peanut butter).
A good way to gage the size of the injustice is to think about how long the behavior affected you for (it takes a minute to put away peanut butter, for example, but could take months to get over cheating). Picturing yourself outside the situation and asking how you'd react to someone seeking your unbiased opinion could also help. Depending on the injustice's size, your anger may be directly related to it or may be about something tangentially related. Either way, it usually means something's wrong, so don't dismiss it.
"Usually, where there's resentment, there's someone who is continuing to give something they're not OK with giving," emotional health expert and NYC-based psychotherapist Katherine Schafler tells Bustle. "This can include the intangible like time, patience, and trust. It's not necessarily the best course of action to examine the lingering feeling as the problem. In a way, it pathologizes natural human experiences and encourages the internalization of a negative feeling, i.e. 'Why do I still feel resentment even though we've been through this and she's said she's sorry, what's wrong with me?' Typically, the situation that remains is the problem, not the person reacting to it."
Instead of trying to get rid of your feelings, think of them as information pointing toward an unresolved issue in your relationship. Here's what to do about lingering resentment regarding each type of injustice.