Fruitcake is the gift that keeps on giving — literally. No one ever seems to eat this weird holiday "food." Instead, a fruitcake recipient simply regifts it to someone else. These tweets about fruitcake will totally make your holiday because, what's the deal with fruitcake anyways? People on Twitter are speculating about the fruitcake's cycle of life with the hashtag
#FakeFruitcakeFacts, and the results are beyond hilarious. I somehow ended up with a fruitcake one holiday, and before I left for a New Year's trip to Florida my mom gave it to me in case we needed a snack during the drive.
I took the fruitcake, as one does when presented with a fruitcake, and I ended up using it to get the attention of another car in our caravan. Not everyone on the trip had cellphone, and when we crossed the state line into Florida, I chucked the fruitcake out the window to signal my friend to stop. File that under eleventy million uses for a holiday fruitcake. According to the Smithsonian magazine, the fruitcake has been around since the Middle Ages. And, it's totally plausible that there is still one floating around from that time.
"[In] Colorado there is an annual fruitcake toss where unwanted loaves are bid adieu by medieval means — namely, catapults," Jesse Rhodes wrote. "There seems to be a cultural expectation that we collectively loathe this token baked good." So, it seems I was actually engaging in a tradition by throwing my fruitcake. Who knew?
And, perhaps because people are inclined to throw fruitcakes, they can be used as weapons.
You can also use them to ward off zombies. And, let's face it, this is a necessity during these troubled times.
Just make sure you don't hit an innocent bystander when you fling your fruitcake out the window.
If you amass a collection of fruitcakes, you can use them to redecorate your house on the cheap.
If you're the kind of person who can solve any problem with a book of matches and a stick of gum, consider adding fruitcake to your toolbox.
While a homemade fruitcake might be tasty, getting a mass-produced fruitcake as a gift is really proof that this person does not like you. At all.
Seriously, it's the most passive-aggressive gift you can give.
And, if you get one, perhaps it's time to make some new friends.
If you are unlucky enough to get a fruitcake, you might want to hold onto it in case you run out of food during the zombie apocalypse. Like its distant cousin Twinkies, fruitcakes last forever.
This is why fruitcakes are an integral part of any good disaster kit.
Because, expiration dates are really just suggestions. Seriously, it's true.
And, like holding a seashell to your ear can help you hear the sound of the ocean, holding a fruitcake to your ear has its own special powers.
No one really knows what's in a fruitcake. Perhaps it's made by throwing everything in your house you don't know what to do with, but don't want to throw away, into a bowl of cake batter.
While hardly anyone seems to eat fruitcake, people do find plenty of other uses for this holiday dessert.
Including using them as hair extensions.
Or, to repave your patio.
Sometimes, brave people actually do bite into a recycled fruitcake, which isn't so great for the next person on the fruitcake gift list.
The fruitcake is the only food that was made once and continued to reproduce on its own.
If you want to clean out your system before the end of the year, the fruitcake is a great alternative to the master cleanse.
Perhaps this is why Keith Richards of the The Rolling Stones will outlive all of us.
While Richards' might be able to stomach this brick of a cake, the Christian Science Monitor reported that, the ratio of the density of the average fruitcake to the density of mahogany is the same. And, a fruitcake can last for up to 25 years if stored properly.
So, if this ends up being one of your holiday gifts this year, there's a pretty good chance you're not the first one to get it. No worries, if you don't want to be one of the 47 percent of people who immediately throw it in the trash, just store it until next year and pass it on, as one does with fruitcake.