What Kendall Really Thinks Of Luke P.'s Declaration Of Love On 'The Bachelorette'

by Kendall Long
Originally Published: 
ABC/John Fleenor/Courtesy Kendall Long

While competing on Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s Bachelor season and Season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise, Kendall Long experienced love and heartbreak on national television. Now that she's been through it all, she has plenty of words of wisdom for new contestants, and she's dishing all to Bustle. Read what Kendall has to say about Luke P.'s rise to early Bachelorette villainy and more in this week's recap.

Episode 2 marks the guys' first day in the mansion! Night one is a sort of out-of-body experience, and as the relief of not being eliminated on night one sinks in, there is a sudden fear of possibly leaving after only the first week. These men may have made it past the first rose ceremony, but that was the easy part. Now it’s time to really put on your A-game and win Hannah’s heart!

The guys on the first group date are greeted by none other America's Next Top Model coach Miss J and drag legends Alaska and Alyssa Edwards. They have graced the boys with their presence to judge a Mr. Right pageant alongside Hannah. Given Hannah’s pageant background, it only seems fitting that a pageant is the way to go for a first date. What I’m guessing was not so fitting is the speedos the men were immediately ordered to select and strut their stuff in. I’ll make an educated guess and say the group was split between terror and exhilaration as some of the men probably trained their booties off for months in hopes that this moment would come... others, not so much.

You can immediately tell the pros from the amateurs judging by who left their socks on. Mike, you may have saved yourself with that twerk, but the ankle socks were a rookie move. Along with his main asset, Mike “walked a mile in Hannah’s shoes” while strutting in a pair of fire red heels, and Jed pulled at Hanna’s country heartstrings with cowboy boots. Jed also made Hannah smile bigger than a country mile as he hit notes fit for a soprano in his serenade. Jed, you’re sticking around for a while — I just have a feeling.

John Paul Jones nearly sent some of the audience to a single-wheeled death as he gained his footing on a unicycle, but luckily he recovered and impressed the heck out of me. Did you see how narrow that walkway was?! I think JPJ deserved more credit for that.

The pageant came to a close with Luke as the final performer. Now, I want to like this guy, I really do, but that speech left me with one of those fake wide smiles you use when you pass by someone you kinda know on the street. Luke, I don’t want to undermine your feelings, but love?! To say the L-word this early could only be explained with another L-word — lust. Most of the men on the date appeared to agree as they too fashioned the same fake, wide smile I did as Luke was crowned Mr. Right. Mr. Write You a Load of Bologna is more like it!

After going through this experience myself, I can say at this point, Luke has collectively most likely had a total of 10 minutes with this lovely lady and though Hannah is indeed a stunner, no one can feel that much that fast and justify saying it out loud to a whole studio audience let alone a whole TV audience. But time will tell, as it often does on this show, if he's for real.

At the cocktail party my man Mike gave a toast seemingly specifically tailored to Luke along the lines of, “Cheers to being real and honest, don’t overstep your bounds for your 15 minutes.” Dan, Mike, tell it like it is! I’m a huge fan of this well-spoken man with a cute grannie.

We all know it’s about to go down as Luke steals Hannah and the dramatic music starts playing, along with some side-eye action from the other guys. I don’t want to believe Hannah is a sucker, but when she questions Luke on his very strong, very early feelings, she seems mesmerized by his boldness and his claim that he’s “never felt a connection like this in his whole life.”

I mean, what could Luke possibly gain from showing so much so soon? Oh yeah, a chance to make it further on a TV show and the reality of maybe being “Mr. Right” on an upcoming season of The Bachelor. But I’m sure he isn’t even thinking about that (insert eye roll here).

Mike again confronts Luke and says he is “a dog,” which I thought was a term of endearment till now. Do I sense a 2-on-1 brewing in the future? Mike, escape while you still can!

The second date card is presented at the mansion and the lucky man receiving the first one on one is Tyler G. I know we're all thinking it: Tyler G. looks like the love child of Jared Haibon and Chris Soules.

Meanwhile at the cocktail party, Jed has his 1-on-1 time with Hannah and I can’t help but perk my ears up as Hannah divulges to the camera that Jed — and this is important — "calms" her.

Now, going through a crazy experience like this probably sends Bachelorettes and Bachelors alike spiraling into confusion. Saying someone calms you is the equivalent of saying they're your life raft when you’ve fallen overboard in a storm-ridden sea. Hannah, swim towards the life raft… not the shark that is Luke, even if he does have a six pack. Thankfully, it appears that Hannah has swum to safety because she grants Jed with the date rose — phew!

It’s the day of the first 1-on-1 date! Though the other men are somewhat optimistic that Tyler will NOT be coming home that night, it’s hard to avoid feeling a little let down as your direct competitor is whisked away by a woman in a helicopter. Hannah is dressed head to toe in all white, so naturally this outfit’s glory days will be over after the date is revealed to be a 4-wheeler excursion in the mud. After the wild ride, the couple is caked in mud as they sit down atop a pile of pretty pillows for a chat and champagne. Having a history in the art department of television myself, I was feeling sorry for the prop department here, since these pillows were most likely goners.

I really liked Hannah’s approach to this date with Tyler. Since his nerves were obviously a bit rattled from the 4-wheeler and being on the first 1-on-1 of the season, Hannah senses his anxiety and calms him down by relating to his experience with her first date with Colton.

On the night portion of the date, she encourages vulnerability as Tyler opens up about not worrying about being strong. I want to applaud Hannah for pointing out that real strength is putting your emotions out there, because it’s a common misconception that strength is locking everything up in an impenetrable box. Props to you, Hannah! Plus, it looks like Tyler opening up paid off. He gets the date rose.

It’s time for the second group date as the boys suit up in their very necessary protective gear and roll onto the track to learn some roller derby tricks from LA's own Derby Dolls. I think it's safe to say every single one of the guys on this date will be experiencing bruising and soreness in some capacity the next day.

The night portion of the group date brought with it more clashing, but this time it was with an uninvited party guest, Cam, renamed ABC Man because of his catchphrase “ABC: Always Be Cam.” (Prepare for your Cam merch, Bach Nation).

A few of the men were able to get some coveted 1-on-1 time with the Bachelorette. Peter the Pilot even brought out a globe to show Hannah where his aerial excursions have taken him. It was a bit unnecessary to bring out an entire globe, but I have to commend him for fully utilizing the antique props. But alas, not all men were as lucky as Peter the Pilot as Cam’s unexpected arrival becomes an enormous time suck.

Mid-interview, you can see Footloose Tyler C. coming from the shadows and making his way to the date snatcher. Cam practically jumps out of his socks as Tyler C. plants a firm hand on his shoulder and proceeds to kinda confront him. He is followed by a few other men including Kevin, who lost his 1-on-1 time due to the intrusion. Looks like we have another villain on the rise.

Hannah saunters into the cocktail party wearing a hot tamale red dress, a proper choice to keep these men on their toes, if I do say so myself. She starts the night off with a few tears but quickly recovers as Connor S. pulls her aside. We haven’t seen much of fence-hopping Connor, but I feel like he will be around for a bit after Hannah disclosed that she knows they have a connection and seals it with a kiss.

Kevin can't seem to get a break, though. He attempts to get Hannah’s jitters out with a joint scream but is quickly interrupted again by none other than ABC Cam! Cam proceeds to escort the two to a petal heart complete with chicken nuggets and honey mustard dipping sauce. Kevin is left in an undesirable, nugget-feeding threesome before awkwardly making his exit, nugget plate in hand.

He makes his disappointment known as he confronts Cam with a few choice words and a nugget throw. Four pathetic nuggets are left to fend for themselves on the floor as Kevin storms off. I know it was a heated moment, but who throws a nugget?

The petal heart gets more airtime than most of the men as Tyler C. and Hannah share the romantic spot and Hannah gushes, "I like the way you look at me." She also gets romantic with Luke P. as the two massage each other. Luke is caught with his shirt off as Jed catches the lovers mid-kiss. He expresses that the encounter was “not super appealing” as Hannah asks for a moment and proceeds to have a mini freakout session, while Luke is left looking like a deer in headlights buttoning up his shirt. Jed gives Hannah an easy out by making a joke of the incident, stating that he should have “walked back in with his pants off” and the moment is laughed off much to Hannah’s relief.

Still a bit red from the massaging intrusion, Hannah stands before the gentlemen for the second rose ceremony of the season. As the men are called up we see ABC Cam squirming in his seat. What would The Bachelorette be without the most controversial character getting the last rose? To no true Bachelorette fan’s surprise, Cam’s name is finally called last as he squeezes by nugget-throwing Kevin to snag his prize.

That leaves Connor J., Daron, and Matthew roseless as they say their goodbyes. But the episode isn’t over just yet. After the toast Luke P. announces that he is heading in for the night, but instead sneaks off to Hannah’s interview room. He says, "I’m coming to talk to you," but what he really means is, "I’m coming to make out with you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear." Are these sweet nothings just that — nothing of substance? Or is Luke P. really experiencing a moment depicted in Romeo and Juliet where Romeo instantly falls madly in love with Juliet only after making eye contact? Let’s hope this version of the story doesn’t end with the demise of the two lovers.

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