I Accidentally Said Someone Else's Name In Bed. Help!

Q: For a few months, I was hanging out with someone and felt a connection I don’t usually feel. I thought everything was going well. One day, we were having sex, and she thought I called her the wrong name. I genuinely don’t think I did? I don’t think I said any name. She brought it up in the moment, and I jokingly said, “Could you have waited a minute?” She got very upset and said she just wanted to be friends. I understood and apologized.

We started hanging out again — texting, hooking up — and when she asked how I viewed it, I said we were just friends and vibing. I never thought we were girlfriend and boyfriend. During that conversation, she went on to say that she can’t date actors because they’re often liars and cheaters. I act, so I was pretty hurt by that. She then said we should just be friends again.

She’s a Scorpio, so things go from zero to 100 very fast. She went through a tough divorce and said that’s why she pushes me away and tests me. Is this another test? I haven’t contacted her in a month, but I want to. I can’t stop thinking about her. Should I?

A: Unless you called her George W. Bush or said her mom’s name, I think the wrong-name-in-bed situation is being overblown. It’s not ideal, sure, but it’s also common and often harmless. Despite what the movies would have you think, it’s not usually a sign that someone is thinking of another person; rather, it’s more likely a meaningless brain misfire. I can’t say you handled the moment perfectly, but neither did she.

The larger issue here, however, is that neither of you seem very capable of being honest with one another — and I’m not just talking about what was said in bed. Frankly, I’m not certain you’re being honest with yourself about the relationship as a whole.

Despite your use of the term, I’m not convinced you two are friends. Sure, the title is expansive; a spouse can be described as a friend and so can a Tiktok mutual. I don’t buy, however, that either of you considers this a friendship. It’s fine for people to sleep with their friends, but friendship is centered on mutual care, and that simply does not appear to be present from either of you.

She is not the DMV. She is not your 10th grade biology teacher. She does not need to test you!

I wonder if her feelings got hurt when you said you’re just “vibing.” I wonder if she was hoping these hangouts might turn into an actual romantic relationship. I wonder a lot — and you two must as well! — because you guys didn’t talk about the situation with much transparency.

And look, it happens. It’s hard to be vulnerable and risk rejection or face having to reject someone when they want a different type of relationship than you do. I get that. However, unfortunately, the price of intimacy is being brave. You can boo all you want, but it’s true, and you will continue to have hollow facsimiles of close relationships until you are willing to act and speak in alignment with how you actually feel.

Did you talk about what the hookups meant? Were you clear, or did you rely on hints and signs? Is there a chance that she wants a committed relationship and you were either ignoring or missing her attempts at clues? Who was initiating what parts of your interactions?

I do wonder if her mercurial nature captivates you on some level, and perhaps you even subconsciously provoke her for the thrill of it.

Perhaps most importantly: If you choose to reach out again, what do you want from her? Because I don’t think it’s friendship. I’m not saying people can’t sleep with their pals (it’s great; have fun), but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. I think you’re hookup buddies who like each other some vague amount but haven’t had a candid conversation about where you each stand.

Instead of confronting what might have led to these repeated miscommunications and clearing things up, it sounds like you’ve decided that certain aspects of your dynamic are due to her personality traits or the position of the planets. (I don’t know whether going from zero to 100 is astrologically predetermined, but chacun à son goût.)

Now, I can’t read her mind (or yours). Maybe you were perfectly clear, and she really is pulling away to test you. That’s a ridiculous way to treat a person. She is not the DMV. She is not your 10th grade biology teacher. She does not need to test you! That is not how we (“we” being mature adults) behave. Playing games is immature, ineffective, and has no place in the house of genuine affection.

I do wonder if her mercurial nature captivates you on some level, and perhaps you even subconsciously provoke her for the thrill of it. Personally, I think the push and pull is part of why you can’t stop thinking about her. Her high-octane moments feel exhilarating, if destructive, and then you’re able to recover while she retreats. You get to avoid the actual conflict by waiting things out, and then eventually you’re ready to try again.

This volatility masquerades as chemistry, and masks the subconscious appeal here: a connection in which you don’t have to communicate honestly because you’re both just repeating unhealthy patterns at one another.

This is surmountable. You can put in the work to improve your communication, identify your triggers, and navigate your coping mechanisms. (And I do think you should do this no matter what! Figuring out why you seek out ill-advised relationships or why you repeat certain unhelpful behaviors will pay dividends. Maybe that means finding a therapist or reading books on relationships and communication, like Attached and The Relationship Cure.)

I’m not convinced, however, that it’s worth your time to try to undertake this endeavor to be with her.

The title is expansive; a spouse can be described as a friend and so can a Tiktok mutual. I don’t buy, however, that either of you considers this a friendship.

Frankly, I’m not certain she is currently looking to be in any sort of relationship, friendship or otherwise, with you at this point. Maybe she once was. If you haven’t reached out in a month, and if she hasn’t either, I think you have a pretty clear answer on where you stand.

Waiting for the other person to make the first move is a pretty good sign that you aren’t communicating well, and rather testing their intentions. Just say what you want! I suspect that she lets you chase her and then gives you attention when it’s convenient for her, rather than truly trying to test you.

The way I see it, this is simply a case of the messy hookups. A real friend does not give you tests. They give you strawberries from the farmers market, or an old arm chair they aren’t using anymore, or a hug.

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