It's A Pleasure
My Boyfriend Wanted An Open Relationship, But Now He’s Jealous
I started finding partners right away, but it's been harder for him.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. Last summer, I got a promotion and started traveling more for work. We were having less sex and after a few months, my boyfriend brought up opening up the relationship. I agreed because we both felt like it would bring us closer while allowing us other sexual opportunities, especially when we’re not in the same place. He’s always found it hot to fantasize about me with other people, and I’m bi, so I enjoy getting to sleep with people of other genders again. We talked about boundaries and I thought we were good.
Pretty much right away, I started finding partners on work trips. We’re both allowed to see people in our city — he doesn’t travel for work — but I’d rather spend time with him and my friends. At first, he wanted to hear all about my dates, and it seemed like he was genuinely turned on by talking about it. Now I think he’s jealous. He’s made little comments about how “busy” I’ve been on my trips and no longer asks about my hookups.
He’s had sex with other women twice since we opened the relationship, and I think he’s frustrated that he hasn’t had more success.
I’m having a great time, to be honest. Being with other people has given me extra flirty energy that I’m bringing back to him, and this has only confirmed that I want to be together long-term — he’s my favorite person, I love our life, and when we’re together, the sex is hot! I don’t want this to be an issue. I’ve suggested that we close the relationship again, and he always brushes it off. What do I do?
A: If I had a dollar for the number of times I’ve heard some version of this story, I could afford a Sézane cardigan.
I do not want to suggest that dating is always easy or satisfying for women, but I’m not certain you and he have the same size hookup pool, to be frank. I think there are a lot of factors that make these breezy, sexy flings relatively simple for you to arrange, not the least of which is that work trips are ripe in the erotic imagination.
You’re at the Embassy Suites happy hour yukking it up with a hottie you might take back to your room for some hand stuff and then never see again. Meanwhile, your guy is trying to slide into the DMs of someone he met in the dentist’s waiting room. I’m sorry to say, you have quite the salacious setup on your side.
Many of us assume — in the part of our brain that processes hope as belief — that if we were in an open relationship, we’d be cleaning up. If we had someone locked down who loved us enough to pop our back pimples and overlook our intensity about budgeting, the regular pressure of dating would be off, and we could have fun, hot, abundant sex with plenty of fun, hot, abundant partners.
Your boyfriend had a bit too much of that ol’ Greek hubris. Should that be your problem? No! But it is.
By the time someone gets to resentment, you can’t just be suggesting things in passing anymore. You have to hash it out. Now, should he as the clearly jealous party be the one to bring the talk to the table? Yeah. That’s a really good point, Diane. The fact that he wasn’t able to identify his pain and take constructive steps to address it with you is something that, once you address the bigger problems, you should return to for sure.
For now, it’s time to at least temporarily pause the outside hookups until we can figure out what the heck is going on.
Nonmonogamy works for a lot of couples because it is additive in their romantic and sexual lives. It’s meant to bring couples closer and give them more space for more openness and honesty than before. The idea is not just to have extra sex, but to expand the conversations you and your partner feel comfortable having about intimacy.
That is… uh… not happening for you and your dude.
He isn’t currently capable of or willing to articulate the challenges he’s having. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s embarrassed. Maybe he’s regretful. Maybe he’s embarrassed about being regretful. But with the communication skills he’s displaying right now, he is not a good candidate for an open relationship.
Here’s what I would say to him if I were you:
“I agreed to this arrangement because I thought it would bring us closer and be a turn-on for us both. That’s not happening, so I need us to close the relationship, at least for now. I’d also like to talk about why this arrangement was initially appealing to you, and what your expectations were.”
I would also talk to him about your own experiences here: how it affirmed your desire for him, how it improved your shared sex life. That reassurance and clarity might help alleviate some of his feelings and bring you two closer again.
It’s a good idea to check in about how he’s doing in general, too. Is he lonely? Depressed? Does he have self-esteem issues about your promotion (boo, but also something worth addressing if true)?
Now, maybe one day, you two will open the relationship again, but I think you need to do a little more work together first. I would strongly recommend seeing a couples therapist so that you are not responsible for teaching this guy how to identify and communicate his emotions.
Alternatively, he could find a job that sends him on work trips.