My Fiancé Wants His Ex To Photograph Our Wedding

My Fiancé Wants His Ex To Photograph Our Wedding

My fiancé and I have always had a very healthy, loving relationship, so I've been really surprised that planning our wedding has led to fight after fight. My parents very generously gave us $30,000 for wedding expenses. His family could easily afford to contribute the same amount, but they haven't offered anything and we aren't going to ask. I'm mainly planning it because my fiancé isn't that interested. He keeps protesting every little thing, saying they're too expensive and he'd rather just pocket the money. Like, he thinks my dress shouldn't cost more than $200, but it's really hard to find something I like at that price.

I recently found a photographer I LOVE, and though she's not cheap, I've been careful with our budget and we could make it work. My fiancé is still friends with his ex, and she has offered to take photos for free because she's an aspiring photographer building her portfolio. They were together for almost a year in 2023, she broke up with him, and then my fiancé and I met three months later. He says they’re just friends, and even though I trust him, I still can’t help but get anxious when they hang out. The other problem is that I've seen her work and it's... not great. She's never shot a wedding before. I told my fiancé I wasn't comfortable with hiring her. He got mad and said he's made the final decision, we're using his ex, end of story. Is this a red flag? We've always made decisions together, I've never seen him put his foot down like that, and it freaked me out.

A:

A red flag?! Baby, the whole country is red!!! This is one of those situations where I’m going to have to — because there is truly too much — go line by line, paragraph by paragraph, to dissect precisely what is wrong here.

It’s normal for wedding planning to be stressful, sure, but not for the reasons you’re dealing with. Should you have any hope of salvaging this relationship, let alone this wedding, you two need to get on the same page about how your finances are going to work before and after you get married. What are your money goals, both together and separately? Will you combine finances, and if so, how? Why is he uncomfortable spending your family’s money on your wedding? (Note: Your family’s!) I would strongly recommend finding a financial therapist who specializes in helping couples navigate these conversations.

Y’all need to get on the same page about all of that. Otherwise, it’s a safe bet that arguments about money will surface again and again throughout your marriage.

(Personally, I sure as sugar would not be letting anyone — let alone a man — be telling me how to spend my family’s money for an event I’ve had to plan on my own. To me, that is a deal-breaker because it suggests they see themself as either more important or competent than me — which, no.)

Now, the dress. There are many, many, many brides who have looked stunning in $200 (or less) dresses on their wedding day. If you do find a dress in that price range, fabulous! The fact of the matter is that $200 is a difficult budget for a gown. It just is. The average cost of a wedding dress (without alterations) is $2,100, according to The Knot. He might be woefully uninformed on the subject. If that’s the case, enlighten him!

Now. Friends. We’ve reached the part of our story where things really go off the rails! He wants to hire his ex to be the photographer? [Loud WRONG buzzer sound.] No, very no. Your complicated feelings about her — even if she and your partner are truly just platonic! — are valid. That’s reason enough for her to be disqualified. Your biggest concern on your wedding day should be the weather forecast, not your fiancé’s relationship history. How are you even supposed to smile at the camera? It makes me wonder: Why is his ex’s fledgling business more important than your comfort?

This idea is already tacky and hurtful — but wait, she’s not even good? And worse, she’s never done a wedding?! How is this a serious suggestion? How did you even manage to take this suggestion seriously? How did he!?

Wedding photography is not something you can just dip into. There is a reason it’s expensive. Photographers are tasked with capturing a one-time (hopefully), emotional, hours-long event. They have to squat to snap the big kiss without Aunt Linda and her phone in the way. You’re often paying for multiple cameras, assistants, and a tedious editing process.

I am doubtful that someone who understands the amount of time, expertise, knowledge, and work required to photograph a wedding well would do this job for free for anyone, let alone an ex. Discounted? Maybe. But free? Girl.

I cannot imagine your parents had anything other than your happiness in mind when granting this gift. Are you happy? Because if these are the proverbial good times, I would hate to see the bad ones.

If I were you, I would break up with my fiancé, and — presuming your parents are not sticklers about how you spend the $30,000 — use it to move into a new place and rebuild a life that will someday include a person who respects me.

If that doesn’t call to the secret longing of your heart, however, wishing you the best of luck!