It's A Pleasure
My Friend Is Cheating On Her Husband. Should I Tell Him?
I don't want to judge, but...
Q: At a holiday party last month, one of my closest friends got a little drunk and told me that she’s been having an affair for four months. I don’t consider myself a judgy person, but this feels… disappointing? Her husband doesn’t know. I have gone back and forth on telling him, and I’m really not sure what the right thing to do is.
My boyfriend was one of his groomsmen, and I’m friends with him, too. I haven’t told my boyfriend because I don’t want to put him in the position I’m in, or have him judge me for keeping it a secret.
Now that I know, my friend feels like she can confide in me about the affair and get my support. I do want to be there for her because she’s been through a lot in the past few years, including losing her dream job and the death of a parent (both of which I think are part of why she’s having the affair). But I don’t want to be in this position. I’m starting to feel resentful toward her and I’m worried about how this will all play out. I feel like I’m going to lose a friend no matter what. What do I do?
A: It’s one thing to be messy, it’s another thing to drag someone else into the muck with you. Your friend put you in a crappy position. I do not envy you.
First, there is the anguish of knowing your friend has done something harmful. It’s fair to be disappointed in your friend for hurting someone — in this case, her husband, your friend. It’s a real bummer.
Second, you’re afraid of being labeled “judgmental” by your friend, and being judged by your boyfriend. Some people have this weird expectation that we should be nonjudgmental at all times. Not only is that unrealistic, but I'm not convinced it’s right.
I do judge people! I judge them for taking up two spots with their big-a** cars, and for bringing unleashed dogs in public, and for lying to their partners about where they were Thursday night. It doesn’t mean I think they’re Certified Bad People Who Can Never Be Redeemed or Forgiven.
It’s OK to have a personal moral framework and to have violations of that bother you. At the same time, you don’t necessarily need to cut people off over it.
Third, there is the question of what to do vis-à-vis telling your friend’s husband and your boyfriend. Everyone will have their own calculus on the conundrum, but to me, your decision to not expose the affair to your friend’s husband seems like a wise plan for the moment, and one you can always amend in the future if need be.
I think the first person you ought to talk to is your friend. If it were me, I would tell her that sharing this secret has put me in a very bad position with everyone involved: her and both guys. I wouldn’t focus on blaming or shaming her; instead, I would open up about my sadness and frustration over the situation overall. I’d be honest about how the affair is making me feel about our friendship, my relationship, and myself. I would encourage her to tell her husband and talk to a therapist, and I would make it clear that this is my final conversation about the subject.
The more you can step away from any entanglement, the better. You do not want to be the person she calls to see if she can use your apartment for a hookup or to ask you to corroborate a lie to her boyfriend about where she’s been. She needs to understand that you aren’t her support system here. You can say:
“This isn’t about what I think of you or the situation, this is for my own sake, but I do not want to hear any more about the affair. I love you, but I am already uncomfortable knowing what I do, and I am not able to offer that kind of support.”
That’s a very reasonable boundary.
I also think you should ask her not to reveal to anyone else that you know. People often have strong negative reactions to other people keeping secrets, and it’s fair to ask for protection from that.
Whether or not to tell your boyfriend is much harder for me to give advice on, unfortunately. I don’t know his attitudes about cheating and forgiveness. I don’t think you need to tell him, and should it ever come out that you knew, you can honestly say that the knowledge put you in a bad position and you didn’t want to do that to him.
That said, if keeping it from him makes you feel isolated, or like you’re lying, I think it’s reasonable to open up. Assuming he’s a sensible and understanding person, you can say:
“I have to tell you something that I’ve been keeping secret as a favor to someone, and I need your support. Bathsheba told me that she’s having an affair. I haven’t told anyone, but I’m feeling very upset about it. I would like you to not tell Tiberius, but I understand that’s not something I can force you to do.”
Then talk to him about how you’re feeling, rather than solely focusing on the affair itself. Although infidelity makes for undoubtedly juicy gossip, litigating the details of it isn’t going to actually alleviate your discomfort. It only gives oxygen to the ickiness of it all.
It’s fair to worry that you might lose a friend, and it sounds like you’re in the early stages of grief. You have, due to your friend’s actions, been conscripted into a loss. You might not lose your relationship with her entirely, but it will change. It already has. And depending on what happens down the line with her and her husband, you and your boyfriend may lose those relationships as well. It’s normal — and maybe even helpful — to anticipate that sadness.
You do not have to forgive her, nor do you have to act as judge or jury.
As much as you can, try to show up for yourself and your friends with the spirit of grace. On a long enough timeline, this affair is guaranteed to come to light or end, and the fallout from either is likely to be… not great. It will probably be chaotic and emotional.
You do not have to forgive her, nor do you have to act as judge or jury. You are allowed to see humans as full, complex beings, and avoid perpetuating the soap opera. You don’t need to cut her out or declare loyalties (unless that’s your vibe). Keep checking in with yourself. No decision you make has to be permanent.
Turn to someone you trust completely outside this circle and talk with them about it. And tell your friend to do the same!