My Husband & I Haven't Had Sex Since I Got Pregnant

Q: My husband and I haven’t been intimate since 2023, when I got pregnant with our toddler. When I asked if my body changes are the reason, he said yes. Now I definitely don’t want him to touch me. I don’t know if I can get over this. Am I being unreasonable?

A: I’m going to give everyone reading this six full minutes to let out a sustained guttural scream.

Now that we’ve all done that, we can begin.

Sadly, I’m not in charge of how anyone feels. When I respond to these letters, the best I can do is address someone’s behavior. I really try to stick to that lane, because feelings aren’t truths and they don’t define us. But I need to yell something: This is not how your husband should feel about the love of his life!

In long-term relationships, physical attraction often waxes and wanes. It might be because someone got an ill-advised haircut or because they insist on wearing a Lakers jersey when sports yellow does not suit them. It might be because of chronic stress or a new medication. That is fine. It’s morally neutral to find your partner less hot at any given time.

However, claiming that their body is to blame for a two-year dry spell is a phenomenally bad way of handling this.

You deserve a hug and a break and 14 close friends assuring you daily that your feelings are perfectly reasonable. If anything, in my opinion, you should be more upset.

I do not think he should have told you — ever — that it was about your appearance. It’s unkind, unnecessary, and I don’t even think it’s true. Firstly, he stopped sleeping with you as soon as you got pregnant, which I have to assume was before your body “changed.” So I call bullsh*t on that.

Secondly, no reasonable person is attracted to their partner based solely on appearance. Certainly not a partner they’ve been with for years. When you love someone that long, you’re attracted to the way they buy thoughtful birthday presents for their nieces or their cackling laughter or their patience or their willingness to try the weirdest thing on the menu. If the only reason he married and had a child with you is your body, that’s pretty damning for him.

If he felt his desire waning, he could have taken any number of steps to address that instead of unilaterally deciding to cut physical intimacy out of your lives. (I assume he wouldn’t be thrilled if had sex with someone else.)

What did he think he was signing up for when he fell in love? The same body the whole time? Babe, that’s a blow-up sex doll.

Based on the timing, I have a suspicion that he has some weird, ugly ideas about motherhood. I would hazard a guess that your husband thinks that moms deserve respect, but not hot sex. Respect, but not help around the house. Respect, but not support. Respect, but not attraction. This, unfortunately, isn’t super uncommon, although it’s far from universal.

My point is that this is a common, documented issue, and there are plenty of ways of dealing with it. He could’ve turned to the internet for help, or discussed it with a therapist. He could have approached the topic with you delicately, saying something like, “I’m not feeling as much attraction lately and it’s worrying me because I love you so much. Can we have a date night without the baby this week?” He could have gone on walks with you, or paid for a pedicure, or given you a day without your child each week so you could enjoy solo time, friends, or hobbies.

Instead, he did… what? Nothing? Maybe he did something, we don’t know. But my dear letter writer, you do know. You know how much effort he put in, and I have a strong hunch it’s not much.

Unfortunately, when this subject comes up, people often say things like, “Look what her body did!” or “She gave him a baby and he’s not even grateful!” I get the impulse. I do. (Even if I hate the wording of “gave him” a baby.) Motherhood is a major part of this, and impossible to fully set aside.

But let me say this: Even if you had not been pregnant. Even if you had not given birth. Even if you were not the mother of his child. Your body is allowed to and supposed to change. That is the whole deal with a body. Yours was miraculous before you carried a baby. Had you never given birth — as astounding a feat as it is! — your body still ought to be astoundingly precious for your partner in all its forms and phases. What on god’s green earth did he think he was signing up for when he fell in love? The same body the whole time? Babe, that’s a blow-up sex doll.

This loser (sorry) wants to miss out on you? On whom you have become? On wrinkles and age spots and creaky knees? On being 76 and sharing a porch swing someday? All because his peepee doesn’t get as hard? Pathetic.

What a lack of imagination! What a lack of care! You would only think that the body is the sole locus of attraction if you are not paying attention to your partner’s whole being. Attraction is sharing inside jokes, and whispering filthy things to each other at the dinner table, and the intimacy of asking to try a new toy in bed, and a million other things that have very little to do with looks.

I encourage you to think about how you would feel if your child were married to someone just like your husband. Did your stomach just drop?

I worry he’s incapable of the true intimacy that love requires, which is tragic and unfair to you. How do you ever trust him again with the treasure that is your body? How do you enjoy eroticism with someone who has proven to be so simple-minded?

I don’t know your child’s gender or future sexuality, but as a thought experiment, I encourage you to think about how you would feel if they were married to someone just like your husband. Did your stomach just drop? Were you glad? Is that the marriage they deserve?

I know this: You deserve better. I hope you have a navigable path out. Happy parents are so much better than married parents, if those are the only two options.

Now, maybe you can’t imagine leaving him, or at least not yet. Maybe there are practical or personal reasons not to end this marriage. Understandable. Life is not simple, and no relationship can be summed up in a five-sentence letter.

If you stay, you need to go to couples therapy together. He’s going to need to do a metric ton of work to gradually regain your trust and desire for intimacy. He also needs to unlearn some ideas about motherhood and bodies in general.

But most importantly, he has to prove that he is interested in doing this work because he loves you. Because he is devastated that he has hurt you. Not because he’s worried he’s going to be in trouble or go through a costly divorce if he doesn’t play along.

In the meantime, please never introduce me to this man because I will be yelling at him.

It’s A Pleasure appears here once a month. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.`66