The Viral “1 To 10 Method” Will Help You & Your Partner Fight Less

It’s a tale as old as time. You and your partner want to get dinner, but can’t agree on where to go. After an hour of debating between Mexican and Italian, you still can’t decide — and it’s quickly dissolving into an actual fight.

In situations like this, one of the best things you can do is rate how much something means to you on a scale of one to 10. This method, referred to as the “1 to 10 system” on social media, can help you and your partner get out of a snippy spiral and actually make a decision.

On Instagram, creator @emilynotscott mentioned trying it with her husband. “Instead of arguing, ask each other: ‘On a scale of 1-10, how important is this to you?’” she wrote on Sept. 2. As an example, she offered choosing a paint color. If it’s a nine for them and a four for you — meaning you don’t really care all that much — they win and you’ll go with their fave paint choice.

“You can use it for anything from home projects to dinner plans,” she wrote in her post. “Less arguing, more peace. It works amazingly for us!” Here, a relationship expert explains why this system works, and the moments when it could backfire.

The “1 To 10” Method Settles Disagreements

According to Dr. Erika Bach, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City, the “1 to 10 system” is a thoughtful way to assess your partner’s needs, and vice versa. It’s helpful when it comes to making decisions, and it can also prevent mini outbursts and moments of bickering.

Whether you’re choosing a restaurant, a movie, or where to go on a weekend getaway, it’s not uncommon to have a strong opinion that clashes with your partner’s. Couples can find themselves locked in a stalemate over the littlest things, simply because no one wants to back down.

The rating system helps bring a moment of clarity and a dose of reality to situations like this. It reminds you that nothing’s ever that serious. At the same time, sharing a rating could help you realize you only had a slight preference for something while your partner wasn’t joking about having their heart set.

The rating system allows for a little give and take, and that’s a good thing. “Meeting each other's needs is pivotal for the security of a relationship,” Bach tells Bustle. “Plus, both partners want to know that what they want and need will be seen and acknowledged.” As a bonus, the 1 to 10 system offers a moment of pause so you can chat and check in. It also brings a dose of levity, she says, while making decisions more efficient.

When To Give It A Try

This method can be applied to a range of issues that tend to pop up in relationships, from the serious to the simple. “For example, whether you want to spend Thanksgiving with one or the other's families,” Bach says. If you can’t agree on what to do, share your rating. “Numbers help us anchor and understand in a way that maybe words couldn't in some situations,” she adds.

To further understand each other, explain why you gave the rating. You might say, “I’m feeling like I want to spend the holiday with my family this year, and feel like it's about a seven out of 10 importance to me. How do you feel?’”

Of course, this method works best with silly, everyday decisions. Use it to pick between two restaurants, two movies, the color of a new throw blanket, etc. According to Bach, this rating method can sometimes oversimplify bigger issues, so it’s best to test it on smaller decisions first.

What If There’s A Tie?

Like any relationship hack, this one isn’t fail-proof. According to Bach, one person might inflate their number in an attempt to win and get their way. Numbers are also subjective, she says, so you might end up comparing apples to apples on how important things are.

“If you feel stuck in a particular decision that feels like emotions are quite heightened, I would argue that there needs to be a deeper discussion to better understand the emotions underlying the conflict, including unmet needs that need to be expressed to one another,” she says.

This hack also sets you up for a potential tie, like when you both rate your desire for a certain restaurant as 10 out of 10. In that case, Bach recommends making the decision quickly, moving on, and agreeing that the other partner will get to decide on something of a similar magnitude next time. “No need to deliberate forever!

Source:

Dr. Erika Bach, licensed clinical psychologist