For the life of me, I can't make heads or tails of former Bachelor Chris Soules. What motivates him? What drives him to be better? What was he thinking when he dumped Becca Tilley, a woman who was obviously perfect for him in every way? (All I can hear is Julia Roberts' voice on repeat from Pretty Woman saying, "Big mistake. Big. Huge.") Anyway, I'm over it. My next major Soules question concerns his weird — sometimes awkwardly cryptic, but more often than not, plainly bizarre — posts on social media.
I understand that it takes time to perfect your Instagram and Twitter game and that, for the first few months or so after starting an account, most people are going to vacillate between photos of their dogs, their manicured feet, and what they ate for dinner last night. But Soules is a Hollywood pro (sort of) and needs to step it up because photos of his cow girlfriends and random public toilet bowls aren't doing him any favors — especially if he's still trying to find love, which I presume is the case for a guy who became famous trying to find love.
The 33-year-old farmer from Iowa, who placed third in Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette before going on to become the star of The Bachelor, has a far more colorful past than any of his social media posts would lead you to believe. He was a football star at school and a contestant on both Dancing With the Stars and Worst Cooks in America: Celebrity Edition. The dude was even arrested and found guilty 13 times for various vehicle-related offenses when he was much younger. Sure, some of his IG photos feature him posing with the likes of Bruce Willis, but otherwise... well, let's just say there isn't one single photo of him shirtless and whipping up a rack of lamb in his kitchen. Instead, here's a look at what Soules is giving America. (And after all America has done for him!)
I'm sure it gets lonely living on a gigantic farm, away from it all. But this photo is a cry for help — and help isn't going to come unless women can be sure they won't have to compete with livestock.
What it seems like Soules is saying: "I've never been in a public bathroom. Ooh, it's automated — look at the flashing green hand! Does that mean I should put my hand in the bowl? Also, I poop." Awesome. Thanks.
But you're in New York City! Surely, there's more going on in the Big Apple besides sewer smells? How about a skyscraper?
Clean Truck Appreciation
"Here's a photo of my truck. Every so often I clean it. Then I subtly ask Jimmy Kimmel to have me on as a guest again and promise to thank him with a filthy shirt."
"Did you know it rains in Iowa? Does it ever rain in your state? What kind of rain do you get? Is it the wet kind?"
On their own, a photo of soybeans or of Soules harvesting soybeans would be very interesting. But a soybean selfie? Nope.
Another Random Weather Photo
The problem with this selfie is that it's impossible to tell what's actually happening with the weather. Is it sunny? Is there a monsoon out there? Is he being sarcastic or sincere? Who knows!?
Honestly, I have nothing against Soules. He's a cutie pie. But he is in desperate need of a social media manager/matchmaker and, yes, I'm available and will have you married within six months.